Voyage à Sydney/aide

Voyage à Sydney/aide
Message de yaya18 posté le 28-10-2014 à 22:14:10 (S | E | F)
Bonsoir,
Pouvez-vous m'aider à corriger ce texte s'il vous plaît? J'ai récemment eu un devoir d'anglais à faire chez moi, je vous donne la consigne :
Building bridges invites you to spend a two-week holiday in New York, Ottawa or Sydney. You will choose one destination and write a letter to a host family there.
La note sera basée sur :
- Remerciements à la famille pour son invitation
- Présentation personnelles : Nom, âge, famille, goûts, activités... (Mais je ne m'attarderai pas trop sur la description sur ma lettre)
- Intérêt pour la ville et le pays choisis
- Question sur la famille, la ville, les activités etc.
- Intérêt de ce type de séjour

Voici mon paragraphe :
Dear Victoria,
I'm gonna (Je préfère la version américaine que "I'm going to") to introduce myself :
My name is Yacine, I'm 15 years old (I celebrated my birthday one week ago).¨
My parents and my two brothers are really happy that you chose me to welcome me in your wonderful city.
I improved my english specially for this trip. I hope I will understand you with no difficulty.
I always dreamt of visiting Australia and discover culture of Sydney which will be a new experience for me
and certainly see how Sydneysiders live in this city.
It's really nice of you to receive me in your family, though i'm scared to meet you...
I've always been shy, so don't worry if i'm a little bit aloof.
It's a great opportunity to make my english better and learn new words or expressions.
It can only be beneficial.
Much love from me.

Thank you for those who take a trouble to correct me

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Modifié par lucile83 le 28-10-2014 22:37

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Réponse: Voyage à Sydney/aide de yaya18, postée le 30-10-2014 à 19:16:30 (S | E)
Anyone can help me ?

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Réponse: Voyage à Sydney/aide de bluestar, postée le 30-10-2014 à 19:30:30 (S | E)
Dear Victoria,
I'm gonna (Je préfère la version américaine que "I'm going to") to introduce myself :
My name is Yacine, I'm 15 years old (I celebrated my birthday one week ago).¨
My parents and my two brothers are really happy that you chose me to welcome me in to your wonderful city.
I improved my english specially for this trip. I hope I will understand you with no difficulty.
I always dreamt of visiting Australia and discover(-ing form) the culture of Sydney which will be a new experience for me
and certainly see (encore -ing) how Sydneysiders live in this city (de trop).
It's really nice of you to receive me in your family, though i'm scared to meet you...
I've always been shy, so don't worry if i'm a little bit aloof.
It's a great opportunity to make my english better and learn new words or expressions.
It can only be beneficial.
Much love from me.
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Bonsoir,

Don't use "I'm gonna"; it is debased English
First person singular is always I never i.
Capital letters for proper names, English not english

Bon voyage!!

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Réponse: Voyage à Sydney/aide de yaya18, postée le 30-10-2014 à 20:24:00 (S | E)
Thank you so much for answering me
But I dont understand why can't I put "me" in the sentence :
"That you chose me to welcome"
Unless I have to put "myself"

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Réponse: Voyage à Sydney/aide de bluestar, postée le 30-10-2014 à 21:13:32 (S | E)
Hello,

Yes, you're right. But I think the two me's in the same sentence create a little incoherence.
There are two separate thoughts yoked together in the same sentence. One is "thanks for choosing me", (and not someone else). The other is something like "I know you will make me welcome amd thanks for that"..On reflection I would revise it somewhat by writing:"..that you have invited me to stay with you in your wonderful city. I know you will make me welcome"
This is sufficiently polite while being clearer than the original version. But you may not agree...

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Réponse: Voyage à Sydney/aide de yaya18, postée le 30-10-2014 à 21:55:47 (S | E)
Yes, the repetition of "me" wasn't judicious but in French, we must put them, so I'm sometimes confused when I translate my text

You're a native speaker of English, so I trust you and I will change my mistake.

Thanks again

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