Application email/help

Application email/help
Message de tsape01 posté le 04-07-2014 à 01:14:26 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous!
Je m'excuse vraiment pour ma longue absence sur le site due aux activitées scolaires et extra-scolaires. Mais cela ne m'empêche pas d'y jeter un coup d'œil de temps à autre. D'ailleurs d'ici juillet je serai de nouveau très actif sur le site.
J'ai fait une lettre de motivation en anglais et j'aurais vraiment besoin, s'il vous plaît, d'un coup de main de votre part, c'est-à-dire de vos interventions et propositions et surtout des propositions d'amélioration et des idées. Il s'agit d'un examen d'anglais; bref je me prépare pour cet examen.
Voici ce qui m'a été demandé:
"Write an application email (practical experience, Training in a company). Must be at least 4 Months."
Cette rédaction/ce mail est noté sur 20 points!
Voilà mon travail:

Dear Mr. Paul,
Currently a two-year student in Cambridge University (Finance program), I am particulary interested in a graduate position in one of your Sales teams.
I would like to apply for the post of Finance in your xxx firm.

During this two semesters following, investment banking and corporate finance skills were developed.
I would define myself as a serious person. I am a hardworking and very punctual boy concerning the work. I am also very active and intelligent, which you could see through my school grades.
I would be grateful if I could work for 6 months in your enterprise as a student apprentice
I am interested in this position as it offers an opportunity to bring professional experiences in a great international firm like yours.
I am available for an interview.
I enclose my Curriculum Vitae for your consideration. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further details.
I believe my qualifications would match your requirements.
I thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to the opportunity to personally discuss with you.
Yours sincerely
(Name)

Merci d'avance pour toutes vos réponses.
Respectueusement
tsape01

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Modifié par lucile83 le 04-07-2014 07:31

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Réponse: Application email/help de bluduck2, postée le 04-07-2014 à 09:22:53 (S | E)
Hello tsape01 ! Voici quelques suggestions de correction
ligne 1 :a second-year student
ligne 2 : précisez la fonction dans la finance ! "clerk" /accountant"/"auditor"/
ligne 3 :"this" est singulier ;semesters est au pluriel donc ....
ligne 3 : plutôt que "concerning", je dirais "as far as work is concerned"
ligne 4 : pour démontrer mes talents ,je dirais plutôt :"I enclose a copy of the grades I obtained in school in 2013 and 2014.
ligne 5 :CV /résumé (écrit comme en Français)
ligne 5 :any +singulier
ligne 11:plutôt que "discuss",je dirais "exchange" .
I hope this helps ! Bluduck2

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Réponse: Application email/help de tsape01, postée le 04-07-2014 à 17:20:46 (S | E)
Bonsoir!
Un grand merci à vous Bluduck2 pour vos propositions qui sont d'ailleurs très intéressantes.
En majuscule les corrections venant de vos propositions

Dear Mr. Paul,

Currently a SECOND-year student in Cambridge University (Finance program), I am particularly interested in a graduate position in one of your Sales teams.

I would like to apply for the post of Finance in your firm AS ACCOUNTANT

During thEsE two semesters following, investment banking and corporate finance skills were developed.
I would define myself as a serious person. I am a hardworking and very punctual boy AS FAR AS WORK IS CONCERNED. I am also very active and intelligent, which you could see through my school grades.
I would be grateful if I could work for 6 months in your enterprise as a student apprentice.
I am interested in this position as it offers an opportunity to bring professional experiences in a great international firm like yours.
I am available for an interview.
I enclose a copy of the grades I obtained in school in 2013 and 2014 and also my résumé for your consideration. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further details.
I believe my qualifications would match your requirements.
I thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to the opportunity to personally EXCHANGE with you.

Yours sincerely

Name

Merci de nouveau pour vos interventions et vos multiples propositions.
Cordialement
tsape01

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Réponse: Application email/help de here4u, postée le 04-07-2014 à 19:10:51 (S | E)
Hello

Il y a encore quelques petites choses qui me gênent :

Currently a SECOND-year student in Cambridge University (Finance program), I am particularly interested in a graduate position in one of your Sales teams.

I would like to apply for the post of Finance in your firm AS AN ACCOUNTANT

During thEsE two semesters followingLà, je ne comprends pas ??? during the coming 2 semesters ?mais alors pourquoi y -a-t-il 'were' ???pour moi, c'est pas clair ..., investment banking and corporate finance skills were developed.
I would define myself as a serious(reliable?) person. I am a hardworking and very punctual boy AS FAR AS WORK IS CONCERNED(avoid capitals! ). I am also very active(lively?) and intelligent(ça ne se dit pas trop ...'sharp' would be more acceptable ...), which you could/can see through my school grades.
I would be grateful if I could work for 6 months in your enterprise -firm-company-corporation etc as a student apprentice.?(doing an internship ?)
I am interested in this position as it offers an opportunity to bring professional experiences in a great international firm like yours.(not sure I understand ...Are you telling them that you'll give them professional skills when they don't have them? )
I am available for an interview.
I enclose a copy of the grades I obtained in(at) school in 2013 and 2014 and also my résumé for your consideration. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require any further details.
I believe my qualifications would match your requirements.
I thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to the opportunity to personally EXCHANGE with you.(je n'aime pas le split infinitive et préfèrerais (puisque c'est un exercice) un look forward + ing que j'exige de mes BTS ...)
Autre chose qui me gêne un peu : accumulation maladroite de 'I' à tous les débuts de phrase ... mais ce n'est que mon avis ! Courage !

Yours sincerely,

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