Poème /correction

Poème /correction
Message de jujulili40 posté le 02-01-2014 à 23:51:16 (S | E | F)
Bonjour/Hello tout le monde !

Je suis en première année d'Université et notre prof nous a demandé d'écrire un poème en anglais.
Donc j'ai réussi à écrire un petit texte mais j'ai essayé pas mal de choses risquées en usant des formules que je ne maitrisais pas trop...
Donc si vous pouviez me dire si j'ai fait d'énormes fautes grammaticales, ça m'aiderait beaucoup
Je vous poste mon texte : En gros c'est un genre de dialogue entre la raison et l'Amour ( oui, je sais je n'ai pas fait simple et ce n'est pas facile à comprendre :p)

-You who dares challenging my authority,
Be honest at least and tell me
What I ignore : Who are you ?
- That’s quite a difficult question Reason !
I won’t tell but I’ll give you a clue
Even if it’s hard to make my own description.
I’m both your ally and you enemy
If you let me grow into your host
In his wise mind I’ll exalt folly.
You can’t see me coming, I’m like a ghost
And just as it I sometimes vanish without explanations.
I can last for years as well as I can burn just one night.
I appear after a long friendship or after a single sight.
Some fear me, saying I’ve hurt them and caused disillusions.
But I have the power to bring hope in the darkest places,
There are no shelters to hide from me, I can be everywhere
So don’t try to resist, you’ll be lost in any cases.
You have to consider me with great care.
I’m something you can hardly control, like a wild creature.
If my kingdom can only have one king or queen,
The scale of my force is something you’ve never seen.
I’m often blind but I can’t help imaginating the future
And once I have conquered a whole territory
You can count on me to keep it with jealousy.
I’m a risky gamble: you may win nothing or double.
I can be a source of trouble, a drug or a sickness,
A medicine, a soothing, or a source of happiness.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, like if you were playing a game.
Now, tell me Reason, have you found my name ?

Merci d'avance !
Thank you !

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Modifié par lucile83 le 03-01-2014 07:35

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Réponse: Poème /correction de carr30, postée le 03-01-2014 à 14:20:04 (S | E)
Hi

Some of the phrases are unusual but this IS poetry and I think it's good! It's the classic conflict between the folie d'amour and reason!
A few problems in blue

-You who dares challenging - needs infinitivemy authority,
Be honest at least and tell me
What I ignore : Who are you ?
- That’s quite a difficult question Reason !
I won’t tell but I’ll give you a clue
Even if it’s hard to make my own description.
I’m both your ally and you enemy
If you let me grow into your host
In his wise mind I’ll exalt folly.
You can’t see me coming, I’m like a ghost
And just as it I - which suject? sometimes vanish without explanations.
I can last for years as well as I can burn just one night.
I appear after a long friendship or after a single sight.
Some fear me, saying I’ve hurt them and caused disillusions.
But I have the power to bring hope in the darkest places,
There are no shelters to hide from me, I can be everywhere
So don’t try to resist, you’ll be lost in any cases.
You have to consider me with great care.
I’m something you can hardly control, like a wild creature.
If my kingdom can only have one king or queen,
The scale of my force is something you’ve never seen.
I’m often blind but I can’t help imaginating the future
And once I have conquered a whole territory
You can count on me to keep it with jealousy.
I’m a risky gamble: you may win nothing or double.
I can be a source of trouble, a drug or a sickness,
A medicine, a soothing, or a source of happiness.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained, like if you were playing a game.
Now, tell me Reason, have you found my name ?

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Réponse: Poème /correction de jujulili40, postée le 03-01-2014 à 15:04:46 (S | E)
Thank you !

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Réponse: Poème /correction de bluduck2, postée le 03-01-2014 à 18:24:41 (S | E)
Hello jujulili40 !
once you have taken carr's remarks into account ,I suggest a few lexical changes .
line 3 :"ignore" implies it's deliberate ;apparently you simply "do not know " .
line 8 : "grow into " is not very clear for me .What about "turn into " or " become " ?
line 14 : I suggest "at first sight"
line 22 : rather than "the scale of my force" whar about "the scope of my strength "?
line 29 : rather than "like if ",write "as if" .
All the best from Bluduck2

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Réponse: Poème /correction de jujulili40, postée le 04-01-2014 à 11:41:03 (S | E)
Hello Bluduck !

Thank you for your remarks

line 3 : You're right, I made the modification
line 8 : I can't change the verb because the sense would not be the same. "grow" means for me that it's little and then it becomes more and more important. Like a plant :p
line 14 : It's a good idea !
Line 22 : The word in french was " ampleur " but I didn't know how to translate it so I searched on the internet that's why it may not sound good ans I should replace it with the word " scope"
Line 29 : Yeah it sounds better with "as if" ^^

Thanks !

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