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Message de leon165 posté le 09-01-2012 à 14:00:28 (S | E | F)
Bonjour
je souhaite partir en Angleterre avec ERASMUS pour faire un Master dans le management du Sport et j'aimerais avoir votre avis s'il vous plaît sur la lettre de motivation ci-dessous.
En plus des fautes d'orthographe et de syntaxe j'aimerais que vous me donniez votre avis sur la qualité de la lettre.
Merci d'avance de l'attention que vous pourrez porter à ma requête.
Dear Sir or dear Madam,
I am currently a first year master’s degree in sports management at the University of Paul Sabatier in Toulouse and I am very interested in spending my next year in Cheltenham. I am particularly interested in the University of Gloucestershire, on the one hand because it is in the top three of the "New Universities" and the other a master of sports management is composed of modules such as Sport Management Fundamentals, Understanding Consumers in Society, Sports Events Planning, Sport Facilities Management, New Business Development, Sport Tourism Strategy Appraisal and these modules interested in the highest degree. In fact I want to have a double competence in sports management but also in the tourism sector which is heavily developing in my native region.
England appeals to me because it hosts several major sporting events in 2012 such as Olympics and Paralympics games. Continue my studies in a new environment is a great motivator for me, I understand English well but it is true that I am not yet at ease in speaking and how to work better now in its emphasis to spend a year in the cradle of the English language. Other way I want to discover a new way of life, the exchange of different culture is so rewarding for me, I already had a similar experience in high school 5 years ago, I was in series ECOSOC and we left for 10 days in Poland to discover the country's culture and Polish way of life. This week is etched in my memory it has generated in me the desire to travel to open up to different cultures and I hope you would allow me to start by England.
Eventually I know some students who were lucky enough to be accepted in the ERASMUS program and they all told that this was the most rewarding experience of their lives both on a professional and human terms.
Yours faithfully,
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Modifié par lucile83 le 09-01-2012 15:29
+ forum
Réponse: Lettre motivation/Erasmus de pau69, postée le 09-01-2012 à 15:19:01 (S | E)
Bonjour,
avant de proposer une correction, je voulais te dire de bien relire ta lettre.
Il faut retravailler le vocabulaire pour éviter les répétitions ('interested in'), essaie d'être plus idiomatique dans tes formules, tu peux trouver des éléments intéressants sur Internet pour paraître moins 'franglais'.
Ensuite, fais attention à tes temps, là où tu mettrais du conditionnel en français ('je serais ravi de'), pense à utiliser 'would' qui ajoute une certaine nuance.
Enfin, concernant le contenu, il faudrait que tu montres une plus grande confiance en toi et une motivation encore plus importante ('it is true that I am not yet at ease in speaking and how to work better now [...]', à tourner plutôt en : cela me permettra -enable' d'améliorer -improve- mon niveau à l'oral etc.).
La formule d'introduction est 'Dear Sir or Madam'.
Voilà, j'espère que ça t'aidera et que ça te paraîtra plus utile que de recevoir une simple traduction...
Courage.
Pauline
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Modifié par lucile83 le 09-01-2012 15:31Cela tombe bien car nous ne donnons pas de correction toute faite.
Réponse: Lettre motivation/Erasmus de leon165, postée le 10-01-2012 à 10:57:43 (S | E)
Trés bien, merci Pauline
j'ai pris note de ce que tu m'as dit.
Voilà le résultat; j'espère que tu me diras ce que
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am currently a first year master’s degree in sports management at the University of Paul Sabatier in Toulouse and I am very interested in spending my next year in Cheltenham. I am particularly attracted by the University of Gloucestershire, on the one hand because it is in the top three of the "New Universities" and the other a master of sports management is composed of modules such as Sport Management Fundamentals, Understanding Consumers in Society, Sports Events Planning, Sport Facilities Management, New Business Development, Sport Tourism Strategy Appraisal and these modules correspond to my expectations. In fact I would have a double competence in sports management but also in the tourism sector which is heavily developing in my native region.
England appeals to me because it hosts several major sporting events in 2012 such as Olympics and Paralympics games. Continue my studies in a new environment is a great motivator for me, spend a year in an English speaking country would enable me to improve my oral. Other way I want to discover a new way of life, the exchange of different culture is so rewarding for me, I already had a similar experience in high school 5 years ago, I was in series ECOSOC and we left for 10 days in Poland to discover the country's culture and Polish way of life. This week is etched in my memory it has generated in me the desire to travel to open up to different cultures and I hope you would allow me to start by England.
Eventually I know some students who were lucky enough to be accepted in the ERASMUS program and they all told that this was the most rewarding experience of their lives both on a professional and human terms.
Yours faithfully,
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 10-01-2012 10:59
Réponse: Lettre motivation/Erasmus de pau69, postée le 17-01-2012 à 21:56:33 (S | E)
Voilà ce que je pourrais te proposer. Il faudrait pour finir, que tu cherches les équivalents pour le contenu du programme, et que tu ajoutes quelques lignes sur ta motivation. Fais attention à ton niveau d'anglais, les mots de liaisons étaient incomplets, il manquait des verbes/auxiliaires et le vocabulaire était trop approximatif. Il faut plus t'investir dans le travail de rédaction.
Bon courage!
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am currently a on my first year of a master's degree in sports management at the (pas besoin d'article car il n'y a qu'une seule université existant sous ce nom) University of Paul Sabatier in Toulouse and I amwould be very interested in spending my next year in Cheltenham. I am particularly attracted by to the University of Gloucestershire, on the one hand because it is in the top three/it is among the best of the "New Universities" and on the other hand because you propose a master of sports management is composed of modules such as Sport Management Fundamentals, Understanding Consumers in Society, Sports Events Planning, Sport Facilities Management, New Business Development, Sport Tourism Strategy Appraisal and these moduleswhich correspond to my expectations and which are part of my curriculum. In fact I would That would enable me tohaveget a double competence in sports management but also in the tourissticm sector which is heavily developing in my native region.
England appeals to meis greatly appealing since because it hosts several major sporting events in 2012 such as the Olympics and Paralympics games. Continue Pursuing/continuing my studies in a new environment is would be a great motivator motivation for me, and spending a year in an English speaking country would enable allow me to improve my oral skill. Other way I also want to would like to discover a new way of livingfe, the exchange ofa different culture. is so rewarding for me, I already had had a similar experience in high school 5 years ago, I was in series ECOSOC and we left for 10 ten days in Poland to discover the Polishcountry's culture and Polish way of lifeand habits. This week is etched in my memory it and has had generated created in me the desire to travel, to open up to different cultures and I hope you would allow me to start by England.
(Eventually I know some students who were lucky enough to be accepted oin the ERASMUS program and they all told that this was one of the the most rewarding experiences of their lives, both on a professional and human termsplans).
Yours faithfully,
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