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Essay/Ambition
Message de antoto55 posté le 21-08-2011 à 19:48:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
les vacances se terminant , je me lance dans la rédaction d'un essai . Mon objectif: le faire du mieux possible pour avoir un essai type pour ma rentrée en terminale . Voici mon sujet : " Is ambition positive or negative ?"
et ma rédaction , pouvez-vous la corriger s'il vous plaît? ( je suis prêt à recevoir tous conseils de votre part):
Ambition is the desire for a personal achievement.Ambition has always taken an important part in people daily life because everybody want to achieve his goals in his life.However the point at issue is ambition is it positive or not ?In the following paragraphs we are going to expose the positive and negative aspects of this issue
On the one hand , if the ambition represents a sort of " motor" it can be very interesting because when you do omething which is very hard , it's always more easier to realize that when you know why you are doing that.For example as far as i am concerned , i want to join a good business school , it's my ambition , however to realize that goal i have to work harder , but even if it will be difficult i know the effects of my work as having an interesting job in the future. Furthermore when you aim an objectif and you success in it , it's make you more confident than beforeand it's help you to preten to an highter one.
On the other hand the risk is to confuse ambition and audacy.Ambition has to be more thoughtful than audacy , audacy is something more ponctual .Using audacy is taken the risk of choosing an unattainable objective and finally fail. Even if the failure is not gravous , you lost confidence and by consequences your futur choice risk to be under your skills.For example if someone wants to be president , he shouldn't follow his audacy by presenting his candidature to the next election, but have the ambition to join a politic school which allow him to enter in the politic world and may be , with time : become president.
On balance we can say that ambition can be positive if follow it at the image of a scale : step by step.
"fair and softy goes far in a day"
Merci déjà de m'avoir lu
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Modifié par lucile83 le 21-08-2011 20:24
Message de antoto55 posté le 21-08-2011 à 19:48:17 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
les vacances se terminant , je me lance dans la rédaction d'un essai . Mon objectif: le faire du mieux possible pour avoir un essai type pour ma rentrée en terminale . Voici mon sujet : " Is ambition positive or negative ?"
et ma rédaction , pouvez-vous la corriger s'il vous plaît? ( je suis prêt à recevoir tous conseils de votre part):
Ambition is the desire for a personal achievement.Ambition has always taken an important part in people daily life because everybody want to achieve his goals in his life.However the point at issue is ambition is it positive or not ?In the following paragraphs we are going to expose the positive and negative aspects of this issue
On the one hand , if the ambition represents a sort of " motor" it can be very interesting because when you do omething which is very hard , it's always more easier to realize that when you know why you are doing that.For example as far as i am concerned , i want to join a good business school , it's my ambition , however to realize that goal i have to work harder , but even if it will be difficult i know the effects of my work as having an interesting job in the future. Furthermore when you aim an objectif and you success in it , it's make you more confident than beforeand it's help you to preten to an highter one.
On the other hand the risk is to confuse ambition and audacy.Ambition has to be more thoughtful than audacy , audacy is something more ponctual .Using audacy is taken the risk of choosing an unattainable objective and finally fail. Even if the failure is not gravous , you lost confidence and by consequences your futur choice risk to be under your skills.For example if someone wants to be president , he shouldn't follow his audacy by presenting his candidature to the next election, but have the ambition to join a politic school which allow him to enter in the politic world and may be , with time : become president.
On balance we can say that ambition can be positive if follow it at the image of a scale : step by step.
"fair and softy goes far in a day"
Merci déjà de m'avoir lu
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 21-08-2011 20:24
Réponse: Essay/Ambition de sherry48, postée le 21-08-2011 à 23:16:41 (S | E)
Hello antoto55.
You have some good ideas, but I think you can present them more clearly. I like that you define your term in the first paragraph...maybe at the end of that paragraph, you could also present your thesis sentence to show the reader a hint of the path you will take.
Ambition is the desire for
On the one hand 1, if
On the other hand the risk is to confuse ambition and audacy.Ambition has to be more thoughtful than audacy , audacy is something more ponctual .Using audacy is taken the risk of choosing an unattainable objective and finally fail. Even if the failure is not gravous , you lost confidence and by consequences your futur choice risk to be under your skills.For example if someone wants to be president , he shouldn't follow his audacy by presenting his candidature to the next election, but have the ambition to join a politic school which allow him to enter in the politic world and may be , with time : become president.
On balance we can say that ambition can be positive if follow it at the image of a scale : step by step.
"fair and softy goes far in a day"
1. consider a different word
2. possessive
3. subject and verb agreement
4. & 6. (I'm really getting confused)!-punctuation
5. with the comparative, use more if the base word has more than 2 syllables
7. placement in the sentence
8. tense
10. spelling
It's not finished, but there are too many problems, and I'm getting lost! I may have made some mistakes in the number of the reason! Make your corrections and I will look at it again.
SherryRéponse: Essay/Ambition de antoto55, postée le 22-08-2011 à 16:08:18 (S | E)
thank you for your help. I have made a correction of my essay.
Ambition is the desire for personal achievement. Ambition has always taken an important part an important part in people's choice because everybody wants to achieve his goals in life. However, the point at issue is : ambition is it positive or not? In the following paragraphs we are going to expose the positive and negative aspects of this issue.
On the one hand , if ambition represents a factor of motivation it can be very interesting because when you do something which is difficult , it is always easier to realise it when you know why you are doing that. For example, as far as i am concerned,i would like to get into a good business school.However, to realise my ambition i have to work harder , but even if it will be certainly difficult i know the effects of my work as get an interesting job in the finance. Furthermore, when you aim an objective and you succeed , it is makes you more confident than before and it helps you to focus on a higher one.
On the other hand the risk is to confuse ambition and boldness .Ambition has to be more thoughtful than boldness , boldness is something you should use promptly .Indeed using boldness it is taken the risk of choosing an unattainable objective and therefore fail. Even if the failure is not a end in itself , you would lost confidence and by consequences your future choice may be under your skills.For instance, if someone wants to be president , he shouldn't follow his boldness by presenting his candidacy to the next election, but should have the ambition to join a politic school which allow him to enter in the politic world and , may be , with time : become president.
i will wind up by saying that: ambition can be positive if you follow it as scale : step by step.
"fair and softy goes far in a day"
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Modifié par lucile83 le 23-08-2011 07:36
Réponse: Essay/Ambition de sherry48, postée le 23-08-2011 à 00:57:07 (S | E)
Hello antoto55.
You've made some good changes. I have just now written my suggestions to continue your revision, but the page closed (twice!) and everything was lost
. Now I am out of time...maybe someone else would like to jump in! SherryRéponse: Essay/Ambition de sherry48, postée le 23-08-2011 à 14:00:25 (S | E)
Hello antoto55.
The page still closes and reopens blank if I highlight a word, so I will give you some quick suggestions. Always use a comma after transitional words such as 'however'. (You got most of them). Always use a capital letter for the first person subject pronoun. Your sentence that begins with "However to realise my ambition..." is very long, and I think it will be better to shorten it into 2 sentences. There may be an equivalent in English for your ending phrase, but the only one that comes to mind is 'slow and steady wins the race' or wins the day...probably someone else knows the right one. Sherry
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Modifié par sherry48 le 23-08-2011 14:04
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