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Correction/Personal statement
Message de kurdt posté le 29-05-2011 à 18:08:29 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous!
Je souhaite partir étudier à l'étranger et il fallait que je rédige un "personal statement". J'aimerais savoir si vous voyez quelques fautes dans ce que j'ai écrit et me les indiquer s'il vous plaît :
I would love to study at W**** college because your institution seems to be an excellent college for the "green studies". In addition, the campus and surrounding areas seem really interesting. I also read the testimonies of some foreign students on your website and they all seemed to be extremely satisfied with the reception and courses offered at your institution. That is why I am convinced that the best way to continue my studies while learning to speak English fluently, is training at W**** College.
About my schooling, I got my General Certificate of Secondary school in 2005 and then I got my Technical School Certificate in Agriculture (Major Maintenance and development of natural and rural spaces) in 2007. Then I shifted to a technology sector and I passed the exam of the Technical High School Diploma (series: Agriculture and Life Sciences Science and Technology) in 2010.
Then I choose to do a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also conducted many work experiences such as : technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small entreprise. I've also worked 1 month as a technical assistant in a town hall in 2008 and I did the same job in 2009 during 2 weeks.I therefore have some experience in the field of labor and manual work (mostly logging and landscaping)
After my studies, i'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and environmental. I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia because these countries have a flora and fauna very diverse and rich.
Merci d'avance pour vos réponses.
Florent
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-05-2011 18:20
+ forum
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Modifié par kurdt le 30-05-2011 00:20
Message de kurdt posté le 29-05-2011 à 18:08:29 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous!
Je souhaite partir étudier à l'étranger et il fallait que je rédige un "personal statement". J'aimerais savoir si vous voyez quelques fautes dans ce que j'ai écrit et me les indiquer s'il vous plaît :
I would love to study at W**** college because your institution seems to be an excellent college for the "green studies". In addition, the campus and surrounding areas seem really interesting. I also read the testimonies of some foreign students on your website and they all seemed to be extremely satisfied with the reception and courses offered at your institution. That is why I am convinced that the best way to continue my studies while learning to speak English fluently, is training at W**** College.
About my schooling, I got my General Certificate of Secondary school in 2005 and then I got my Technical School Certificate in Agriculture (Major Maintenance and development of natural and rural spaces) in 2007. Then I shifted to a technology sector and I passed the exam of the Technical High School Diploma (series: Agriculture and Life Sciences Science and Technology) in 2010.
Then I choose to do a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also conducted many work experiences such as : technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small entreprise. I've also worked 1 month as a technical assistant in a town hall in 2008 and I did the same job in 2009 during 2 weeks.I therefore have some experience in the field of labor and manual work (mostly logging and landscaping)
After my studies, i'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and environmental. I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia because these countries have a flora and fauna very diverse and rich.
Merci d'avance pour vos réponses.
Florent
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Modifié par lucile83 le 29-05-2011 18:20
+ forum
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Modifié par kurdt le 30-05-2011 00:20
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de notrepere, postée le 29-05-2011 à 18:27:08 (S | E)
HelloI would love to study at W**** College because your institution seems to be an excellent college for the "green studies" (1). In addition, the campus and surrounding areas seem really interesting. I also read the testimonies of some foreign students on your website and they all seemed to be extremely satisfied with the reception and courses offered at your institution. That is why I am convinced that the best way to continue my studies while learning to speak English fluently, is training at W**** College.
(1) A refaire
Then I choose to do a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also conducted (2) many work experiences such as : technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small entreprise. I've also worked 1 month as a technical assistant in a town hall in 2008 and I did the same job in 2009 during (4) 2 weeks. I therefore have some experience in the field of labor and manual work (5) (mostly logging and landscaping)
(2) pas le bon verbe
(3) le present perfect ne convient pas. pourquoi?
(4) depuis se traduit comme during ou for. Quel est le bon choix?
(5) Maybe you should say "manual labor". labor
labour 
After my studies, i'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and environmental. I'd also like to work abroad, for example in New-Zealand or Australia, because these countries have a flora and fauna very diverse and rich (6).
(6) les adjectifs se trouvent avant le nom en anglais
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de sherry48, postée le 29-05-2011 à 18:44:19 (S | E)
Hello...your writing is well done, but here are a few suggestions to improve it.
I would love to study at W**** college because your institution seems to be an excellent college for
About my schooling, I got my General Certificate of Secondary school in 2005 and then I got my Technical School Certificate in Agriculture (Major Maintenance and development of natural and rural spaces) in 2007. Then I shifted to a (the) technology sector and I passed the exam of the Technical High School Diploma (series: Agriculture and Life Sciences Science and Technology) in 2010.
Then I choose to do (another verb is more commonly used in this sense) a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ... ( a variety of transitional words would sound better than 'then' 3 times)
I also conducted many work experiences ('conducting' doesn't work well with 'work experiences')such as : technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small entreprise (usually spelled differently) I've (I prefer simple past here) also worked 1 month as a technical assistant in a town hall in 2008 and I did the same job ( you could say 'again')in 2009 during (better preposition) 2 weeks.I therefore have some experience in the field of labor and manual work (mostly logging and landscaping)
After my studies, i'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and environmental (better to use the noun, to be consisten with wildlife). I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia because these countries have a flora and fauna very diverse and rich. (more natural with the adjectives before the nouns) Sherry
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de kurdt, postée le 29-05-2011 à 19:26:37 (S | E)
Hello again,
Thank you both for your quick and complete answers
First of all, my answer to your questions :
(1) A refaire = "college for the green studies" changé en "college for green studies" est-ce correct?
(2) pas le bon verbe = le bon verbe est "to do" au past simple (pas vraiment sûr cependant)
(3) le present perfect ne convient pas. pourquoi? = car il s'agit d'une action passée ET datée donc on utilise le past simple
(4) depuis se traduit comme during ou for. Quel est le bon choix? = on utilise during pour un évènement précis et for pour une durée. Le bon choix est donc FOR.
(5) Maybe you should say "manual labor" = c'est corrigé merci
(6) les adjectifs se trouvent avant le nom en anglais = ce qui donne "a very diverse and rich flora and fauna"
Here is my "new" statement after your correction :
Hello,
I would love to study at W**** College because your institution seems to be an excellent college for "green studies". In addition, the campus and surrounding areas seem really interesting. I also read the testimonies of some foreign students on your website and they all seemed to be extremely satisfied with the reception and courses offered at your institution. That is why I am convinced that the best way to continue my studies while learning to speak English fluently, is training at W**** College.
In regards to my education, I got my General Certificate of Secondary school in 2005 and then I got my Technical School Certificate in Agriculture (Major Maintenance and development of natural and rural spaces) in 2007. Afterwards, I shifted to the technology sector and I passed the exam of the Technical High School Diploma (series: Agriculture and Life Sciences Science and Technology) in 2010.
Next, I choose to make a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also did many work experiences such as : technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small enterprise. I also worked 1 month as a technical assistant in a town hall in 2008 and again in 2009 for 2 weeks. I therefore have some experience in the field of manual labour (mostly logging and landscaping).
After my studies, I'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and environment. I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia because these countries have a very diverse and rich flora and fauna.
Could you tell me if my statement still contains errors please?
Thanks in advance
Florent
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de sherry48, postée le 29-05-2011 à 19:45:35 (S | E)
Hello...you've made a lot of improvements ! I have just a few more suggestions.
choose (past tense) to make (the best verb is 'take') a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also did many (I prefer the verb 'have', but in that case you will also want to change many & make experience singular)work experiences such as : ...
After my studies, I'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and the environment. I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia because these countries have a very diverse and rich flora and fauna.
Sherry
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de notrepere, postée le 29-05-2011 à 21:18:18 (S | E)
HelloIn regards to my education, I got my General Certificate of Secondary school (I prefer: Secondary school General Certificate) in 2005 and then I got my Technical School Certificate in Agriculture (Major: Maintenance and development of natural and rural spaces) in 2007. Afterwards, I shifted to the technology sector and I passed the exam of the Technical High School Diploma (I prefer: I passed my Technical High School Diploma exam) (series: Agriculture and Life Sciences Science and Technology) in 2010.
Next, I chose to take a sabbatical year to prepare for my project, study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also had (or participated in) many work experiences such as the technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small enterprise. I also worked 1 month as a technical assistant in a town hall in 2008 and again in 2009 for 2 weeks.** I therefore have some experience in the field of manual labour (mostly logging and landscaping).
**I also worked as a technical assistant in a town hall for one week in 2008 and two weeks in 2009.
After my studies, I'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and environment***. I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia because these countries have a very diverse and rich flora and fauna.
***Sherry's proposal is the best. I was going to say "Wildlife and environmental conservationist" but "the environment" really should come after.
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de kurdt, postée le 29-05-2011 à 21:45:42 (S | E)
Thanks again
Here is the final version :
Hello,
I would love to study at W**** College because your institution seems to be an excellent college for "green studies". In addition, the campus and surrounding areas seem really interesting. I also read the testimonies of some foreign students on your website and they all seemed to be extremely satisfied with the reception and courses offered at your institution. That is why I am convinced that the best way to continue my studies while learning to speak English fluently, is training at W**** College.
In regards to my education, I got my Secondary school General Certificate in 2005 and then I got my Technical School Certificate in Agriculture (Major Maintenance and development of natural and rural spaces) in 2007. Afterwards, I shifted to the technology sector and I passed my Technical High School Diploma exam (series: Agriculture and Life Sciences Science and Technology) in 2010.
Next, I chose to take a sabbatical year to prepare for my project study abroad, learn English, travel, work, etc. ...
I also had many work experiences such as the technical assistant of green spaces in a town hall, lumberjack in the National Board of Forestry, farmer in a dairy production company and also landscaper / nurseryman in a small enterprise. I also worked as a technical assistant in a town hall for one month in 2008 and two weeks in 2009. I therefore have some experience in the field of manual labour (mostly logging and landscaping).
After my studies, I'd like to work as a Conservationist of wildlife and the environment. I'd also like to work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia, because these countries have a very diverse and rich flora and fauna.
Now it's ok? Everthing is good?
Thank you in advance
Florent
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de sherry48, postée le 29-05-2011 à 21:56:28 (S | E)
Hi Florent, It looks good !
You could consider these changes, but it's also ok the way it is...I also have some work experience which include technical assistant ...
work abroad for example in New-Zealand or Australia, because these countries have a very diverse and rich rich and diverse...but I have no specific reason to support this preference
)flora and fauna.Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de sherry48, postée le 29-05-2011 à 22:31:21 (S | E)
Hello...
I see that I made a mistake above....experience which includes...or experience including, but not include...Sherry-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 29-05-2011 22:33
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Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de kurdt, postée le 30-05-2011 à 00:20:25 (S | E)
Thanks a lot Sherry ;) I appreciated you help
Réponse: Correction/Personal statement de sherry48, postée le 30-05-2011 à 04:11:10 (S | E)
You're welcome !
Lucile thanks for the information, I'm still finding my way around...Sherry
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