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Correction/change
Message from wangboniu posted on 15-05-2011 at 12:45:42 (D | E | F)
Hello:
Would you help me to proofread my essay please.
Thanks a lot.
If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
There are so many things I want to change in my hometown. The key of these changes should be the system of the government. By that I mean the people are supposed to have the right to make decisions---democracy.
Everyone knows that some bad thing happened in the early period of new China. It was the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, which was a political movement that took place from 1966 through to 1976. That movement almost destroyed China and thousands of intellectuals were sent to the prison and abused by some guys who didn’t know the truth such as red guards. The bad influences over the society were far beyond people’s imagination.
The cause of this revolution stared was simple, as Mao wanted to consolidate his position as a real controller. The reason of this movement ended was simple too, because Mao was dead in 1976. If it had been the people rather than someone who could decide the leader of this country, the social tragedy would not have happened and now everyone might have a better life. By that I mean democracy can prevent someone to manage the whole country for his/her private purpose, which could lead huge disaster. From this point, democracy could make the society more stable.
The country just like a big company and everyone is an owner no matter he/she is rich or poor. They should have the right to vote who will charge their company for a period. After this period, according to the ‘revenue’, the people can revote to decide anther manager. The whole procedure is a positive circle. To do so can make sure that the people are the host, and the government is the people’s servant. It would be a fair way to govern a country to everyone.
In my opinion, democracy is the best way to develop our society fairly and efficiently and avoiding some stupid political mistake, as the people are more reliable and wiser than the individual.
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Edited by lucile83 on 15-05-2011 14:02
Message from wangboniu posted on 15-05-2011 at 12:45:42 (D | E | F)
Hello:
Would you help me to proofread my essay please.
Thanks a lot.
If you could change one important thing about your hometown, what would you change? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.
There are so many things I want to change in my hometown. The key of these changes should be the system of the government. By that I mean the people are supposed to have the right to make decisions---democracy.
Everyone knows that some bad thing happened in the early period of new China. It was the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, which was a political movement that took place from 1966 through to 1976. That movement almost destroyed China and thousands of intellectuals were sent to the prison and abused by some guys who didn’t know the truth such as red guards. The bad influences over the society were far beyond people’s imagination.
The cause of this revolution stared was simple, as Mao wanted to consolidate his position as a real controller. The reason of this movement ended was simple too, because Mao was dead in 1976. If it had been the people rather than someone who could decide the leader of this country, the social tragedy would not have happened and now everyone might have a better life. By that I mean democracy can prevent someone to manage the whole country for his/her private purpose, which could lead huge disaster. From this point, democracy could make the society more stable.
The country just like a big company and everyone is an owner no matter he/she is rich or poor. They should have the right to vote who will charge their company for a period. After this period, according to the ‘revenue’, the people can revote to decide anther manager. The whole procedure is a positive circle. To do so can make sure that the people are the host, and the government is the people’s servant. It would be a fair way to govern a country to everyone.
In my opinion, democracy is the best way to develop our society fairly and efficiently and avoiding some stupid political mistake, as the people are more reliable and wiser than the individual.
-------------------
Edited by lucile83 on 15-05-2011 14:02
Re: Correction/change from bulsara_berte, posted on 15-05-2011 at 14:30:59 (D | E)
Hello,
Here are some tips to correct your text
' There are so many things I want to change in my hometown. The key of these changes should be the system of the government. By that( not sure about this) I mean the people are supposed to have the right to make decisions---democracy.
Everyone knows that some bad thing( some+ countable, you need a plural form) happened in the early period of new China. It was the Great Proletarian Cultural Revolution, which was a political movement that took place from 1966 through to 1976. That movement almost destroyed China and thousands of intellectuals were sent to the (no article, you refer to the institution) prison and abused by some guys who didn’t know the truth such as red guards. The bad influences over the society were far beyond people’s imagination.
The cause of this revolution stared ( spelling, or perhaps a typo ) was simple, as Mao wanted to consolidate his position as a real controller. The reason of this movement ended ( you should reformulate) was simple too, because Mao was dead ( form of the verb) in 1976. If it had been the people rather than someone who could decide the leader of this country, the social tragedy would not have happened and now everyone might have a better life. By that I mean democracy can prevent someone to manage the whole country for his/her private purpose, which could lead ( preposition is missing) huge disaster. From this point, democracy could make the society more stable.
The country just like( you forgot a verb) a big company and everyone is an owner no matter he/she is rich or poor. They should have the right to vote who will charge their company for a period. After this period, according to the ‘revenue’ (voc), the people can revote to decide anther manager (spelling and construction of ' to decide'). The whole procedure is a positive circle. To do so ( subject missing) can make sure that the people are the host, and the government is the people’s servant. It would be a fair way to govern a country to everyone.
In my opinion, democracy is the best way to develop our society fairly and efficiently and avoiding some stupid political mistake, as the people are more reliable and wiser than the individual.
I may have forgotten some little things!
regards
Bulsara
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Edited by bulsara_berte on 15-05-2011 14:35
spelling
Re: Correction/change from wangboniu, posted on 16-05-2011 at 13:01:19 (D | E)
Hello,
thank you for your tips. I really appreciate your concern.
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