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Fautes / lettre de motivation
Message de sonadoraaa posté le 11-01-2011 à 00:09:23 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
Je dois faire une lettre de motivation afin de postuler pour un stage à Londres.
Je vous serais extrêmement reconnaissante de m'indiquer mes fautes d'anglais,c'est assez urgent.
XXXXXXXXXX XXX
7, rue xxxxx
xxxxx
France
Mob : +33 (0)6 48 XX XX XX
e-mail : XXXXXXXXXXXX
January 10, 2011
Mr. John xxxx,
Director of Human ressources
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
Londres EC1A 7NX
Dear Mr. xxxx,
I am very interested in the Analyst Internship advertised on the eFinancialCareers website. I am currently in the first year of XXXXXXXXXXXXX, one of the leading french elite Business Schools. XXX Real Estate ranks as a leading global real estate investment, asset and development manager with established European platforms and on going deployment in all the world. I would be honored to be given the opportunity to contribute to expanding this leadership.
I have developed a very good understanding of financial markets through the various courses I followed at XXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and personal readings of Finance books, particularly Hull and Wilmott. Moreover, I am involved in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, which enabled me to learn how to control transactions on various types of products and to analyze and solve Front-Back discrepancies on various types of deals and systems.
What is more, during my two years preparation for the competitive entrance examination to French Business Schools, I have improved my ability to adapt, to work hard under pressure, and perfected my organization and rigour. I have also very good analytical and written skills. As you can see in my see in my CV, during these two years, I have been in charge of a communiction project and I had to coordinate 13 students : it was an enriching experience and I learnt how to work in team.
Besides, I think I have all the skills required for the internship. Indeed, I have IT skills : I master Excel and Power Point and for example I have created a Microsoft Access database to manage interest rates swap activity for XXXXXXXXX.
Finally, I am very interested in your offer because I would like to work in an international environnement. Indeed, I speak very well english, but also spanish and italian, which could make easier coordination with other xxxxxxx teams in Spain and Italy.
I thank you for your time and your consideration.
I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my application further in an interview and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Mille mercis à ceux qui répondront.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-01-2011 00:20
+ forum
Message de sonadoraaa posté le 11-01-2011 à 00:09:23 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à tous,
Je dois faire une lettre de motivation afin de postuler pour un stage à Londres.
Je vous serais extrêmement reconnaissante de m'indiquer mes fautes d'anglais,
XXXXXXXXXX XXX
7, rue xxxxx
xxxxx
France
Mob : +33 (0)6 48 XX XX XX
e-mail : XXXXXXXXXXXX
January 10, 2011
Mr. John xxxx,
Director of Human ressources
xxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxx
Londres EC1A 7NX
Dear Mr. xxxx,
I am very interested in the Analyst Internship advertised on the eFinancialCareers website. I am currently in the first year of XXXXXXXXXXXXX, one of the leading french elite Business Schools. XXX Real Estate ranks as a leading global real estate investment, asset and development manager with established European platforms and on going deployment in all the world. I would be honored to be given the opportunity to contribute to expanding this leadership.
I have developed a very good understanding of financial markets through the various courses I followed at XXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and personal readings of Finance books, particularly Hull and Wilmott. Moreover, I am involved in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, which enabled me to learn how to control transactions on various types of products and to analyze and solve Front-Back discrepancies on various types of deals and systems.
What is more, during my two years preparation for the competitive entrance examination to French Business Schools, I have improved my ability to adapt, to work hard under pressure, and perfected my organization and rigour. I have also very good analytical and written skills. As you can see in my see in my CV, during these two years, I have been in charge of a communiction project and I had to coordinate 13 students : it was an enriching experience and I learnt how to work in team.
Besides, I think I have all the skills required for the internship. Indeed, I have IT skills : I master Excel and Power Point and for example I have created a Microsoft Access database to manage interest rates swap activity for XXXXXXXXX.
Finally, I am very interested in your offer because I would like to work in an international environnement. Indeed, I speak very well english, but also spanish and italian, which could make easier coordination with other xxxxxxx teams in Spain and Italy.
I thank you for your time and your consideration.
I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my application further in an interview and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Mille mercis à ceux qui répondront.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 11-01-2011 00:20
+ forum
Réponse: Fautes / lettre de motivation de gerondif, postée le 11-01-2011 à 00:26:04 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
je ne suis pas spécialiste en anglais commercial, je repérerai juste l'orthographe !
rouge rose: à corriger. vert: correction effectuée
XXXXXXXXXX XXX
7, xxxx
xxxxx
France
Mob : +33 (0)6 48 XX XX XX
e-mail : XXXXXXXXXXXX
January 10, 2011
Mr. Johnxxx,
Director of Human ressources
xxxxxx Investment Managers
xxxxxx
Londres EC1A 7NX
Dear Mr. xxxx,
I am very interested in the Analyst Internship advertised on the eFinancialCareers website. I am currently in the first year of XXXXXXXXXXXXX, one of the leading f(majuscule)rench elite Business Schools. XXX Real Estate ranks as a leading global real estate investment, asset and development manager with established European platforms and on going (en un seul mot au sens de continu?)deployment in all the world. I would be honored to be given the opportunity to contribute to expanding this leadership.
I have developed a very good understanding of financial markets through the various courses I followed at XXXXXXXXXXXXXX, and personal readings of Finance books, particularly Hull and Wilmott. Moreover, I am involved in XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX, which enabled me to learn how to control transactions on various types of products and to analyze and solve Front-Back discrepancies on various types of deals and systems.
What is more, during my two years preparation (my two-year preparation (j'ai enlevé le tiret erroné repéré par np)) for the competitive entrance examination to French Business Schools, I have improved my ability to adapt, to work hard under pressure, and perfected my organization and rigour. I have also very good analytical and written skills. As you can see in my
Besides, I think I have all the skills required for the internship. Indeed ((me parait bizarre, j'aurais employé une forme d'insistance: I do have IT skills), I have IT skills : I master Excel and Power Point (en un seul mot?) and for example (me semble trop français, "I have incidentally created, j'ai d'ailleurs créé...) I have created a Microsoft Access database (en 2 mots?) to manage interest rates swap activity for XXXXXXXXX.
Finally, I am very interested in your offer because I would like to work in an international environnement. Indeed, I speak very well english,(mettez very well à la fin, c'est dommage de rater la phrase pile sur cette formule!) but also spanish and italian, which could make coordination easier(place de easier) with other xxxxx teams in Spain and Italy.
I thank you for your time and your consideration.
I would appreciate the opportunity to discuss my application further in an interview and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely,
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
C'est quand même un plaisir de vous lire.
différence entre for et during:
I was ill for a week during the holidays,
j'ai été malade pendant une semaine pendant/au cours des /à l'occasion des/ vacances:
WHEN were you ill ? during the holidays: complément de temps.
HOW LONG were you ill ? for a week: complément de durée.
si vous vouliez dire pendant, mettez alors un prétérit.I was in charge of..... for two years, (from 2007 to 2009). Si vous gardez during, cela signifiera au cours de à l'occasion de mais de toutes façons, un prétérit sera mieux,.
I have been in charge for two years: je suis responsable depuis deux ans et ça continue encore aujourd'hui.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-01-2011 09:21
anonymat
Réponse: Fautes / lettre de motivation de alphonse46, postée le 11-01-2011 à 06:35:41 (S | E)
Bonjour,Sonadoraaa
I am very interested in the Analyst Internship advertised on the eFinancialCareers website. I am currently in the first year of one of the leading f(majuscule)rench elite Business Schools( pourquoi cacher le nom de l'école, alors que c'est un des premiers renseignements qui vous sera réclamés? Une lecture rapide donne l'impression qu'il s'agit d'une école de second ou troisième rang: les lettres de candidatures sont souvent nombreuses, il faut accrocher le lecteur,et éviter qu'il se pose des questions préliminaires à un éventuel entretien d'embauche)
I master Excel and Power Point (en un seul mot?): + logiciels tels que Word, télé-conférence?
I have developed a very good understanding of financial markets through the various courses I followed at, and personal readings of Finance books, particularly Hull and Wilmott.( books: nécessité de citer deux autres auteurs, n'en citer qu'un seul donne l'impression que' books, ne doive se traduire par 'book', le piège c'est de laisser votre futur employeur vous tester sur un livre qu'il juge fondamental, et dont vous ne connaissez même pas le nom de l'auteur, avoir parcouru plusieurs livres est un argument permettant d'excuser une lacune)
I am involved in, which enabled me to learn how to control transactions on various types of products and to analyze and solve Front-Back discrepancies on various types of deals and systems.( quels sont les systèmes de contrôle que vous connaissez? Avez-vous compris les faiblesses actuelles des systèmes de contrôle des transactions financières (sub-primes, Sxxxx Gxxxx, autres organismes financiers Islandais, Irlandais, Anglais, Américains, avez-vous examiné le système de tests des risques financiers que la C.E.E. a récemment utilisé? Projet de Christine Lagarde?) Il ne s'agit pas de développer ce chapitre, mais d'orienter le prochain entretien, et d'indiquer que vous vous intéressez aux sujets d'actualité
What is more, during my two years preparation for the competitive entrance examination to French Business Schools, I have improved my ability to adapt, to work hard under pressure, and perfected my organization and rigour.( Cette expérience a certainement été marquante, mais tous ceux qui sont passés par des classes préparatoires ont connu les mêmes difficultés, y compris, sans doute, votre futur employeur, ce qui va le faire sourire! Cette information n'apporte rien, sauf si la 'prépa' est renommée, ou si vous avez animé des cercles de réflexions, participé à des activités extra-scolaires, suivi d'autres enseignements, ou même avoir été délégué de classe..). Rien concernant les expériences acquises, ou à acquérir durant les stages, durant les vacances)
I think I have all the skills required (je n'en doute pas, mais vous ouvrez une porte de discussion trop large,il faudra donc vous préparer à développer une argumentation solide, votre analyse risque d'être différente de celle de votre interlocuteur, quant à moi je demeurerais plus modeste:'all' est excessif, et même prétentieux, question d'âge et donc d'expérience. En fait, ce 'all' est destructeur, alors que vous cherchez à développer une argumentation solide)
with other XXX Real Estate teams in Spain and Italy (England, U.S.A.?...), expériences d'immersion linguistiques? Si vous acceptez de vous expatrier dans d'autres pays, il est dommage de conclure par une phrase restrictive
Au cours d'un entretien d'embauche, il faut maîtriser les sujets de discussions, et rebondir sur les objections de l'interlocuteur,en lui expliquant que vous avez compris tout l'intérêt de ses idées, puis revenir à une argumentation personnelle; ce qui nécessite un peu d'entraînement.
Bonne réussite
Alphonse
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Modifié par bridg le 11-01-2011 06:42
Note :
1/L'anonymat des CV et des lettres de motivation est demandé sur ce forum, d'où les noms qui sont remplacés par des croix.
2/Le but de ce forum est de corriger l'orthographe et la syntaxe, non le contenu.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 11-01-2011 09:24
Nous sommes là pour aider à la correction, pas pour rédiger le courrier des membres.
Il y a des liens utiles ici:
Lien Internet
Réponse: Fautes / lettre de motivation de notrepere, postée le 11-01-2011 à 06:52:34 (S | E)
Hello!Il s'agit un ou deux autres problèmes :
...elite Business Schools (chaque fois)
... Finance books (minuscules)
... deployment
honoured
to be given the opportunity to contribute to expanding this leadership.I am involved in ... which enabled (au présent)
to analyze
analyse What is more = Additionally (plus sostenu)
two-year preparation
organization
organisation I have also [avant 'have'] very good
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