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The Landlady / Conte
Message de turbo13_soldier posté le 14-11-2010 à 13:53:58 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à toutes et à tous.
Je suis en première, et j'ai un devoir d'invention à rendre pour vendredi.
L'ayant déjà fait, je souhaiterais qu'on m'aide à corriger les quelques erreurs (principalement la concordance des temps).
Pour ceux qui connaissent, il s'agit de la brève histoire "The Landlady - Written by Roald Dahl" ; histoire qui ne se finit pas à proprement parler. J'ai donc dû écrire une fin, que voici :
ATTENTION SPOILER : Si vous na souhaitez pas connaître le déroulement de l'histoire, je vous conseille de quitter ce topic.
(Contexte : Billy Weaver est un garçon de 17 ans. Il a voyagé toute la journée et souhaite se reposer dans un hôtel. Il va donc au Bed&Breakfast. Il y rencontre The Landlady, une vieille dame très conviviale. Ils sont seuls dans le B&B. En 3 ans, il n'y a eu que 2 visiteurs avant lui. Billy découvre que ces 2 personnes ont été portées disparues : The Landlady les a tuées et empaillées.) (ceci n'apparaît pas sur ma copie)
As she said that [that there were only 2 persons before him in], Billy's heart began beating heavily, he started sweating as well. Suddenly, the clock rang; midnight had passed.
‘Bedtime,' he said, trying to keep his fear secret.
'Do whatever you want,' the lady said, 'but do not forget; the first floor is mine. Anyway, do have a good night, my dear'.
Billy noticed that she didn't even drink her own tea. No matter how, he walked up to his bedroom. He immediately locked on the door, and then secured to keep the key with him. He bent down then looked across the lock; all lights were already switched off, even the fire was. He could neither see nor hear anything from behind. In fact, he only could hear the heartbeat of his. As Billy stood up, his eye vision disturbed. He was walking as quickly as he could to the bathroom, but before doing that, he fell on the bed. He suddenly heard floor squeaks behind the door. Billy tried to look at it turning over on his back; it was slowly opening. He saw a shape that was walking down the room while darkness was filling his whole eyes. He recognized her; she sat down next to him. She was carrying a cup of tea, she drank slowly, and then she closed Billy’s eyelids off.
After that, she rose up, walked around the bed, and lay down on next to him; she wanted to sleep close to someone else. Billy couldn’t see anything, he couldn’t even move any part of his body anymore; but he did feel her: he wasn’t sleeping, he couldn’t be. She thought about someone, Billy didn’t know.
‘Sweetheart, is that you?’ she muttered. As she held Billy’s hand, she added:
‘Now that all two of us are together, it’s time we go to our dreams haven itself’.
Voilà. Merci d'avance.
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Modifié par lucile83 le 14-11-2010 14:46
Message de turbo13_soldier posté le 14-11-2010 à 13:53:58 (S | E | F)
Bonjour à toutes et à tous.
Je suis en première, et j'ai un devoir d'invention à rendre pour vendredi.
L'ayant déjà fait, je souhaiterais qu'on m'aide à corriger les quelques erreurs (principalement la concordance des temps).
Pour ceux qui connaissent, il s'agit de la brève histoire "The Landlady - Written by Roald Dahl" ; histoire qui ne se finit pas à proprement parler. J'ai donc dû écrire une fin, que voici :
ATTENTION SPOILER : Si vous na souhaitez pas connaître le déroulement de l'histoire, je vous conseille de quitter ce topic.
(Contexte : Billy Weaver est un garçon de 17 ans. Il a voyagé toute la journée et souhaite se reposer dans un hôtel. Il va donc au Bed&Breakfast. Il y rencontre The Landlady, une vieille dame très conviviale. Ils sont seuls dans le B&B. En 3 ans, il n'y a eu que 2 visiteurs avant lui. Billy découvre que ces 2 personnes ont été portées disparues : The Landlady les a tuées et empaillées.) (ceci n'apparaît pas sur ma copie)
As she said that [that there were only 2 persons before him in], Billy's heart began beating heavily, he started sweating as well. Suddenly, the clock rang; midnight had passed.
‘Bedtime,' he said, trying to keep his fear secret.
'Do whatever you want,' the lady said, 'but do not forget; the first floor is mine. Anyway, do have a good night, my dear'.
Billy noticed that she didn't even drink her own tea. No matter how, he walked up to his bedroom. He immediately locked on the door, and then secured to keep the key with him. He bent down then looked across the lock; all lights were already switched off, even the fire was. He could neither see nor hear anything from behind. In fact, he only could hear the heartbeat of his. As Billy stood up, his eye vision disturbed. He was walking as quickly as he could to the bathroom, but before doing that, he fell on the bed. He suddenly heard floor squeaks behind the door. Billy tried to look at it turning over on his back; it was slowly opening. He saw a shape that was walking down the room while darkness was filling his whole eyes. He recognized her; she sat down next to him. She was carrying a cup of tea, she drank slowly, and then she closed Billy’s eyelids off.
After that, she rose up, walked around the bed, and lay down on next to him; she wanted to sleep close to someone else. Billy couldn’t see anything, he couldn’t even move any part of his body anymore; but he did feel her: he wasn’t sleeping, he couldn’t be. She thought about someone, Billy didn’t know.
‘Sweetheart, is that you?’ she muttered. As she held Billy’s hand, she added:
‘Now that all two of us are together, it’s time we go to our dreams haven itself’.
Voilà. Merci d'avance.
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 14-11-2010 14:46
Réponse: The Landlady / Conte de turbo13_soldier, postée le 14-11-2010 à 14:50:28 (S | E)
[That there had been only 2 persons before him in the B&B]* serait plus correct je pense (bien que cela n’apparaisse pas non plus dans le contenu final).
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Modifié par turbo13_soldier le 14-11-2010 14:50
Réponse: The Landlady / Conte de gerondif, postée le 14-11-2010 à 18:11:50 (S | E)
Bonsoir,("a short story" se traduit par "une nouvelle" plutôt qu'une brève histoire)
As she said that [that there were only 2 persons before him in], Billy's heart began beating(l'infinitif passerait mieux) heavily, he started sweating as well. Suddenly, the clock rang; midnight had passed.
‘Bedtime,' he said, trying to keep his fear secret.
'Do whatever you want (like),' the lady said, 'but do not forget; the first floor is mine. Anyway, do have a good night, my dear'.
Billy noticed that she didn't even drink(il remarqua qu'elle ne buvait pas (imparfait = prétérit en ing // qu'elle n'avait pas bu: plus que parfait) her own tea. No matter how, he walked up to his bedroom. He immediately locked
After that, she rose up, walked around the bed, and lay down
‘Sweetheart, is that you?’ she muttered (whisper irait mieux que ce verbe grommeler, ronchonner). As she held Billy’s hand, she added:
‘Now that all(cherchez "nous deux) two of us are together, it’s time we go(temps) to our dreams haven itself (expression bancale, pourquoi ce itself?)’.
Réponse: The Landlady / Conte de turbo13_soldier, postée le 14-11-2010 à 20:19:07 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
Tout d'abords merci beaucoup pour cette correction sûrement laborieuse.
J'ai tout de même quelques questions, et quelques réponses aux ambiguïtés que tu as soulevées :
" Billy's heart began beating(l'infinitif passerait mieux)."
==> J'ai utilisé le verbe en ING car je fais pareil pour la phrase d'après. Je trouvais étrange d'intervertir les 2 formulations.
"Billy noticed that she didn't even drink"
==> Je souhaitais en effet dire "qu'elle n'avait pas bu" : "...that she hadn't even drunk..." par conséquent.
" and then secured "
==> Je souhaitais en effet dire "s'assurer de..."
"then looked across "
==> Pourquoi through est-il censuré ?
"he could only(place de l'adverbe only) hear his own heartbeat."
==> Je souhaite dire 'Il ne pouvait entendre QUE son battement..." (dans le sens : la seule chose qu'il pouvait entendre) et non "Il ne pouvait QU'entendre son coeur battre" (dans le sens : il ne pouvait rien faire d'autre)
Où dois-je donc placer le only ?
"but before doing that "
==> Je propose donc : He was walking (ayant relevé ton commentaire à propos de ce début de phrase) as quickly as he could to the bathroom when he fell on the bed.
"He suddenly heard floor squeaks"
==> Je souhaitais dire : "Il entendit soudain des grincements de planché"
Dans ce cas là, ma phrase est-elle bonne ?
"She was carrying a cup of tea, she drank slowly"
==> J'ai changé en : "She drank slowly the cup of tea she was carrying.
"Now that all two of us are together, it's time we go to our dreams haven itself".
==> J'ai repris une phrase entendue dans un jeu.
En effet, la phrase originale étant :
"Now that all five of us are together, it's time we go to the dephts of hell itself"
Je me suis dit que la formulation pouvait rester la même.
Voilà pour vous.
Et merci encore.
Réponse: The Landlady / Conte de gerondif, postée le 14-11-2010 à 20:50:19 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
" Billy's heart began beating(l'infinitif passerait mieux)."
==> J'ai utilisé le verbe en ING car je fais pareil pour la phrase d'après. Je trouvais étrange d'intervertir les 2 formulations.
je prefère l'infinitif pour accentuer le changement de rythme cardiaque !!"Billy noticed that she didn't even drink"
==> Je souhaitais en effet dire "qu'elle n'avait pas bu" : "...that she hadn't even drunk..." par conséquent. ok."
and then secured "
==> Je souhaitais en effet dire "s'assurer de..." j'ai donné une solution dans le texte.
"then looked across "
==> Pourquoi through est-il censuré ? Pour que vous le trouviez !!
"he could only hear his own heartbeat."
He could hear nothing but his own heart-beat.==> Je souhaite dire 'Il ne pouvait entendre QUE son battement..." (dans le sens : la seule chose qu'il pouvait entendre) et non "Il ne pouvait QU'entendre son coeur battre" (dans le sens : il ne pouvait rien faire d'autre)
Où dois-je donc placer le only ? là où je l'ai mis.
"but before doing that "
==> Je propose donc : He was walking (ayant relevé ton commentaire à propos de ce début de phrase) as quickly as he could to the bathroom when he fell on the bed. ok
"He suddenly heard floor squeaks"
==> Je souhaitais dire : "Il entendit soudain des grincements de planché"
Dans ce cas là, ma phrase est-elle bonne ? j'avais proposé une solution dans le texte.
"She was carrying a cup of tea, she drank slowly"
==> J'ai changé en : "She drank slowly the cup of tea she was carrying.(plutôt to hold to carry signifie transporter)
"Now that all two of us are together, it's time we go to our dreams haven itself".
==> J'ai repris une phrase entendue dans un jeu.
En effet, la phrase originale étant :
"Now that all five of us are together, it's time we go to the dephts of hell itself"
Je me suis dit que la formulation pouvait rester la même. Bof !
It's high time we went to ....... il est grand temps que nous allions ....
Réponse: The Landlady / Conte de turbo13_soldier, postée le 15-11-2010 à 19:40:24 (S | E)
Merci encore pour ces dernières précisions, mon histoire est maintenant terminée.
Je remonterai ce topic une fois que j'aurai eu ma note.
Merci encore.
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