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Essay / first meeting at school
Message de citron-amere posté le 17-01-2010 à 22:27:46 (S | E | F)
Bonjour j'ai du faire un devoir (type bac)sur la suite d'un texte qui racontait l'arrivée d'un élève à une préstigieuse nouvelle école...il attends un autre élève qui doit partager son dortoir et le voit arrivé dans une grosse voiture, avec une radio portable (le texte se passe dans les années 60) tout qui indique qu'il vient d'une famille aisée et qu'il est méprisant...Le sujet donc, doit raconter leur première rencontre...
J'aimerai que vous m'aidiez à trouver les fautes éventuelles si il y en a =)...Et m'aidez à enrichir certaine phrase...Mes phrases sont souvent très simplistes et dans une optique de bac il est bon d'utiliser certaines structures...Que je ne sais pas utiliser --'...
Our first meeting in the room (wich was to our battlefield during 3 mouths) was memorable. I remember perfectly. I wasn’t shy…No, just a little stress to meet for the first time, my new comrade of dormitory. I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervoustly the dust of my Uniform. I imagined our life in this room. He was rich, yes…But he could be cool…
Will opened the door and he looked me up and down with Contempt . He had reconized me.
« Oh…You » he said suspiciously
The same indifference…
« Hi! » I answered mockingly .
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
I answered nothing and our first conversation stoped here…I didn’t like
prétensious peoples…I didn’t like rich peoples…But I helped him to take his
heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I tell myself. But I didn’t believe to this supposition.
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who play indifference with me because I didn’t lot of money like him. Will sat down on his bed and he player the transistor…The sound became bad…And the radio stopped abruptly.
« I hope it isn’t broken. » I said kindly.
« It dosent matter…I’ve an other » Will answered quietly. He opened his luggages and he took an other transistor radio.
« Have you got many others? » I continued, stunned by his weath.
« My father gives me all I want » he answered
A silence…I thought to my own father.
« What’s his job? » I asked
« He’s a boss…He managed a company wich builds buildings…I believe » he
answered, probable boring by my questions.
I didn’t say anything…I understood.
« Where are the toiletts » he replied.
« I don’t know… »
It was the end of an imaginary happy life.
Merci d'avance =)!
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Modifié par citron-amere le 18-01-2010 12:58
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Modifié par lucile83 le 18-01-2010 13:36
titre
Message de citron-amere posté le 17-01-2010 à 22:27:46 (S | E | F)
Bonjour j'ai du faire un devoir (type bac)sur la suite d'un texte qui racontait l'arrivée d'un élève à une préstigieuse nouvelle école...il attends un autre élève qui doit partager son dortoir et le voit arrivé dans une grosse voiture, avec une radio portable (le texte se passe dans les années 60) tout qui indique qu'il vient d'une famille aisée et qu'il est méprisant...Le sujet donc, doit raconter leur première rencontre...
J'aimerai que vous m'aidiez à trouver les fautes éventuelles si il y en a =)...Et m'aidez à enrichir certaine phrase...Mes phrases sont souvent très simplistes et dans une optique de bac il est bon d'utiliser certaines structures...Que je ne sais pas utiliser --'...
Our first meeting in the room (wich was to our battlefield during 3 mouths) was memorable. I remember perfectly. I wasn’t shy…No, just a little stress to meet for the first time, my new comrade of dormitory. I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervoustly the dust of my Uniform. I imagined our life in this room. He was rich, yes…But he could be cool…
Will opened the door and he looked me up and down with Contempt . He had reconized me.
« Oh…You » he said suspiciously
The same indifference…
« Hi! » I answered mockingly .
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
I answered nothing and our first conversation stoped here…I didn’t like
prétensious peoples…I didn’t like rich peoples…But I helped him to take his
heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I tell myself. But I didn’t believe to this supposition.
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who play indifference with me because I didn’t lot of money like him. Will sat down on his bed and he player the transistor…The sound became bad…And the radio stopped abruptly.
« I hope it isn’t broken. » I said kindly.
« It dosent matter…I’ve an other » Will answered quietly. He opened his luggages and he took an other transistor radio.
« Have you got many others? » I continued, stunned by his weath.
« My father gives me all I want » he answered
A silence…I thought to my own father.
« What’s his job? » I asked
« He’s a boss…He managed a company wich builds buildings…I believe » he
answered, probable boring by my questions.
I didn’t say anything…I understood.
« Where are the toiletts » he replied.
« I don’t know… »
It was the end of an imaginary happy life.
Merci d'avance =)!
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Modifié par citron-amere le 18-01-2010 12:58
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 18-01-2010 13:36
titre
Réponse: Essay / first meeting at school de gerondif, postée le 18-01-2010 à 19:57:59 (S | E)
Bonsoir,
je vous indique surtout les erreurs d'orthographe ou de conjugaison, pas de style:
bleu: orthographe. rouge: construction.. vert: mot cadeau
Our first meeting in the room (wich was to be our battlefield during(mauvais pendant) 3 mouths) was memorable. I remember perfectly. I wasn’t shy…No, just a little stress to meet (COD)my new comrade of dormitory for the first time. I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervoustly the dust of my Uniform. I imagined our life in this room. He was rich, yes…But he could be cool…
Will opened the door and he looked me up and down with Contempt . He had reconized me.
« Oh…You » he said suspiciously
The same indifference…
« Hi! » I answered mockingly .
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
I answered nothing and our first conversation stoped here…I didn’t like
prétensious peoples…I didn’t like rich peoples…But I helped him to take his
heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I tell(prétérit) myself. But I didn’t believe to this supposition.
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who play indifference with me because I didn’t(n'estpas le verbe avoir)a lot of money like him. Will sat down on his bed and he player(prétérit) the transistor…The sound became bad…And the radio stopped abruptly.
« I hope it isn’t broken. » I said kindly.
« It dosent matter…I’ve(have abrégé est en général suivi de got) an other (souvent en un seul mot)» Will answered quietly. He opened his luggages(motcollectif invariable) and he took an other transistor radio.
« Have you got many others? » I continued, stunned by his weath.
« My father gives me all I want » he answered
A silence…I thought to my own father.
« What’s his job? » I asked
« He’s a boss…He managed a company wich builds buildings…I believe » he
answered, probable(adverbe en ly) boring(ennuyé , pas ennuyeux) by my questions.
I didn’t say anything…I understood.
« Where are the toiletts » he replied.(comment peut il répondre à un silence ? ajouta-t-il? dit-il ?)
« I don’t know… »
It was the end of an imaginary happy life.
Réponse: Essay / first meeting at school de citron-amere, postée le 18-01-2010 à 21:54:00 (S | E)
Merci beaucoup pour votre réponse, vos commentaires m'ont été d'une grande aide pour corriger...Il reste cependant un point que je n'ai pas compris...le "boss"...Excusez moi j'ai beau cherché je ne trouve pas la faute. Pouvez-vous éclairez ma lanterne?
Je remets là le texte corriger...J'espère avoir fait les bonnes corrections =)
Our first meeting in the room (which was to be our battlefield for 3 mounths) was memorable. I remember perfectly. I wasn’t shy…No, just a little stress to meet my new dormitory’s comrade for the first time. I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervously the dust in my Uniform. I imagined our life in this room. He was rich, yes…But he could be cool…
Will opened the door and he looked me up and down with Contempt . He had recognized me.
« Oh…You » he said suspiciously
The same indifference…
« Hi! » I answered mockingly .
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
I answered nothing and our first conversation stopped here…I didn’t like pretentious people…I didn’t like rich people…But I helped him to take his
heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I told myself. But I didn’t believe this supposition.
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who play indifference with me because I haven’t lot of money like him. Will sat down on his bed and he played the transistor…The sound became bad…And the radio stopped abruptly.
« I hope it isn’t broken. » I said kindly.
« It doesn’t matter…I‘ve got another)» Will answered quietly. He opened his luggages and he took another transistor radio.
« Have you got many others? » I continued, stunned by his wealth.
« My father gives me all I want » he answered
A silence…I thought of my own father.
« What’s his job? » I asked
« He’s a boss…He managed a company which builds buildings…I believe » he
answered, probably bored by my questions.
I didn’t say anything…I understood.
« Where are the toiletts » he added
« I don’t know… »
It was the end of an imaginary happy life.
Réponse: Essay / first meeting at school de gerondif, postée le 18-01-2010 à 22:11:51 (S | E)
bonsoir,
Our first meeting in the room (which was to be our battlefield for 3 mounths) was memorable. I remember perfectly. I wasn’t shy…No, just a little stress(+ed) (at + ing) to meet my new dormitory’s comrade (roommate) for the first time. I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervously the dust off (idée d'enlever) my Uniform. I imagined our life in this room. He was rich, yes…But he could be cool…
Will opened the door and he looked me up and down with Contempt . He had recognized me.
« Oh…You » he said suspiciously
The same indifference…
« Hi! » I answered mockingly .
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
I answered nothing and our first conversation stopped here…I didn’t like pretentious people…I didn’t like rich people…But I helped him to take his
heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I told myself. But I didn’t believe this supposition.
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who plays indifference with me because I haven’t(manque got)a lot of money like him. Will sat down on his bed and he played the transistor…The sound became bad…And the radio stopped abruptly.
« I hope it isn’t broken. » I said kindly.
« It doesn’t matter…I‘ve got another)» Will answered quietly. He opened his luggages(mot singulier) and he took another transistor radio.
« Have you got many others? » I continued, stunned by his wealth.
« My father gives me all(everything irait mieux) I want » he answered
A silence…I thought of my own father.
« What’s his job? » I asked
« He’s a boss(trop populaire! a manager,a managing director)…He managed a company which builds buildings…I believe » he
answered, probably bored by my questions.
I didn’t say anything…I understood.
« Where are the toiletts » he added
« I don’t know… »
It was the end of an imaginary happy life.
Réponse: Essay / first meeting at school de citron-amere, postée le 20-01-2010 à 20:37:25 (S | E)
Our first meeting in the room (which was to be our battlefield for 3 months) was memorable. I remember perfectly. I wasn’t shy…No, just a little stressed at meeting my new roommate for the first time. I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervously the dust off my Uniform. I imagined our life in this room. He was rich, yes…But he could be cool…
Will opened the door and he looked me up and down with Contempt . He had recognized me.
« Oh…You » he said suspiciously
The same indifference…
« Hi! » I answered mockingly .
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
I answered nothing and our first conversation stopped here…I didn’t like pretentious people…I didn’t like rich people…But I helped him to take his
heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I told myself. But I didn’t believe this supposition.
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who plays indifference with me because I haven’t got lot of money like him. Will sat down on his bed and he played the transistor…The sound became bad…And the radio stopped abruptly.
« I hope it isn’t broken. » I said kindly.
« It doesn’t matter…I‘ve got another)» Will answered quietly. He opened his luggage and he took another transistor radio.
« Have you got many others? » I continued, stunned by his wealth.
« My father gives me all everything I want » he answered
A silence…I thought of my own father.
« What’s his job? » I asked
« He’s a a manager…He managed a company which builds buildings…I believe » he
answered, probably bored by my questions.
I didn’t say anything…I understood.
« Where are the toilets » he added
« I don’t know… »
It was the end of an imaginary happy life.
Merci =)
J'ai vraiment du mal à orthographier des mos très simples...
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Modifié par citron-amere le 20-01-2010 20:38
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Modifié par citron-amere le 20-01-2010 20:40
Réponse: Essay / first meeting at school de saron_d, postée le 20-01-2010 à 20:55:08 (S | E)
I sat down on my bed and I cleaned nervously the dust off my Uniform.
- Position of adverb: "...I nervously cleaned.."
« Good morning…Can you Help me? » He said wearily.
- In English, speech is usually enclosed in quotation marks (e.g. "Hi," I said.) rather than in "«...»" .
- There probably would not be a capital letter for "He", as the "?" functions more as a comma here than as a full stop.
I didn’t like rich people…But I helped him to take his heavy suitcase and his transistor radio.
- "carry" is better than "take" here - if you put "take", there inevitable question is "where?", and you haven't supplied a destination.
« It’s the travel…he’s tired » I told myself. But I didn’t believe this supposition.
- I think you probably mean "journey" rather than "travel" (see dictionary for the difference). You would probably get away with "travelling", though".
- "Supposition" is a very formal word in English - you could perhaps say "statement", although that too is quite formal, or simply leave "this".
He’s just a rich and pretentious student who plays indifference with me because I haven’t(manque got)a lot of money like him.
- "got" is not necessary, but optional.
- I'm not sure what you mean by "plays indifference" - do you mean "acts indifferently"
Will sat down on his bed and he played the transistor.
- you can't really just say "transistor" if you mean "transistor radio" - this wouldn't be understood by most people.
- you don't really "play" a radio - you play a song, but you "turn on" a radio
« My father gives me all everything I want » he answered
- "all everything" doesn't exist - just "everything" will do here.
« He’s a a manager…He managed a company which builds buildings…I believe »
- repetition of "a"
- "builds buildings" sounds a bit strange - perhaps "he managed a building company, I think"?
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