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Survivors/correction
Message de peyton483 posté le 27-11-2009 à 20:23:45 (S | E | F)
je dois écrire une rédaction avec pour sujet: You are a journalist and you are asked to interview one of the survivors one month later of tragedy columbine high school. Pourriez-voussi possible coriger mes fautes , merci d'avance pour votre aide.
As you know killing of Columbine high school has been the event the most seen in the media. You can guess repercussions on debate concerning bearing of weapons. Therefore, I want to know what happened really on Thursday, 20 April. In fact, versions are so much different. I beg your pardon if I am too direct because this tragedy was dreadful.
You request is very painful. In fact, my purpose is to forget this day with this blood, these deaths, cries…but I can try…
I start. Every morning I was used to reading in library between two classes. But, this day was special. Indeed, two teenagers arrived with two big fire arms, at this time our life has tipped over. They shoot in all directions without to worry consequences: they were killed 12 pupils and a teenager. Then… one of boy with a gun came up to me and pointed it at my forehead. He was jubilant, now he was the boss and he didn’t undergo order, mockeries: he was the laughing stock of his mates. I cried, I cried… I was paralyzed with fear, it was horrible! I didn’t know how explained my feelings: there was a big black hole in my head. I couldn’t react.
Fortunately, a miracle is gone; he smacked just my face. Nevertheless, he did two steps to kill cold-blooded a young girl hid over the table. He was a barbarous, a crazy, there isn’t term to describe that I felt, besides why do we use again the world man?
Massacre carried on, murderers eliminate one by one his mates. Crops laid on the ground, blood covered fitted carpet, all pupils didn’t dare perspire, they were afraid to attract attention of killer. I didn’t control anything neither my feelings nor my crops. Contrary to all expectations, they committed suicide. It was a relief. Next you know the end.
What are your conclusions of this dram? How do you see the world now?
This killing destructs my life, now I must build my new future. This day winds me up, innocent people were killed because of two needy persons who are irresponsible. They consider death like a game, in reality their life is a game. The worst it’s attitude of politicians who are absent. A few of them take a stand against proliferation of guns. They have also blood on their hands.
As well, this event shows us failure of our society. Columbine tragedy must make us aware of the situation: fear destructs us. We think that to bear a gun protects us but we make a mistake. We mustn’t be stubborn and to confess our fault.
Today, I am really pessimistic. In fact, weapons represent a mine of gold. Big companies realize hug profits notably with sale of bullets. An American comic actor said the solution to reduce gun related killings number: will have to every bullet cost 5000 dollars. It’s so right!!! Moreover, some persons exasperate myself/me because they defend to the best of their knowledge and belief the bearing of weapon. Please, none country must follow USA’s example. “We are a nation or gun nuts or just nuts” Michael Moore’s opinion is clear: with or without guns American people are nuts. He means that weapons are not responsible for the situation American people are. The world in which we live is fighting and it isn’t ready to change.
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Modifié par bridg le 27-11-2009 22:01
Titre distinctif
Message de peyton483 posté le 27-11-2009 à 20:23:45 (S | E | F)
je dois écrire une rédaction avec pour sujet: You are a journalist and you are asked to interview one of the survivors one month later of tragedy columbine high school. Pourriez-voussi possible coriger mes fautes , merci d'avance pour votre aide.
As you know killing of Columbine high school has been the event the most seen in the media. You can guess repercussions on debate concerning bearing of weapons. Therefore, I want to know what happened really on Thursday, 20 April. In fact, versions are so much different. I beg your pardon if I am too direct because this tragedy was dreadful.
You request is very painful. In fact, my purpose is to forget this day with this blood, these deaths, cries…but I can try…
I start. Every morning I was used to reading in library between two classes. But, this day was special. Indeed, two teenagers arrived with two big fire arms, at this time our life has tipped over. They shoot in all directions without to worry consequences: they were killed 12 pupils and a teenager. Then… one of boy with a gun came up to me and pointed it at my forehead. He was jubilant, now he was the boss and he didn’t undergo order, mockeries: he was the laughing stock of his mates. I cried, I cried… I was paralyzed with fear, it was horrible! I didn’t know how explained my feelings: there was a big black hole in my head. I couldn’t react.
Fortunately, a miracle is gone; he smacked just my face. Nevertheless, he did two steps to kill cold-blooded a young girl hid over the table. He was a barbarous, a crazy, there isn’t term to describe that I felt, besides why do we use again the world man?
Massacre carried on, murderers eliminate one by one his mates. Crops laid on the ground, blood covered fitted carpet, all pupils didn’t dare perspire, they were afraid to attract attention of killer. I didn’t control anything neither my feelings nor my crops. Contrary to all expectations, they committed suicide. It was a relief. Next you know the end.
What are your conclusions of this dram? How do you see the world now?
This killing destructs my life, now I must build my new future. This day winds me up, innocent people were killed because of two needy persons who are irresponsible. They consider death like a game, in reality their life is a game. The worst it’s attitude of politicians who are absent. A few of them take a stand against proliferation of guns. They have also blood on their hands.
As well, this event shows us failure of our society. Columbine tragedy must make us aware of the situation: fear destructs us. We think that to bear a gun protects us but we make a mistake. We mustn’t be stubborn and to confess our fault.
Today, I am really pessimistic. In fact, weapons represent a mine of gold. Big companies realize hug profits notably with sale of bullets. An American comic actor said the solution to reduce gun related killings number: will have to every bullet cost 5000 dollars. It’s so right!!! Moreover, some persons exasperate myself/me because they defend to the best of their knowledge and belief the bearing of weapon. Please, none country must follow USA’s example. “We are a nation or gun nuts or just nuts” Michael Moore’s opinion is clear: with or without guns American people are nuts. He means that weapons are not responsible for the situation American people are. The world in which we live is fighting and it isn’t ready to change.
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Modifié par bridg le 27-11-2009 22:01
Titre distinctif
Réponse: Survivors/correction de titomm, postée le 28-11-2009 à 23:20:02 (S | E)
Hello,
Juste te dire que je ne suis pas bilingue, je ne verrai donc pas toutes les fautes, et pour certaines je ne suis pas vraiment... Bref... enjoy!!^^
en rouge = fautes de conjugaison
en vert = faute d'orthographe
en blue = fautes de grammaire
en rose = "mal dit"
As you know killing of Columbine high school (dans le sens "les victimes"???lol pas tout compris!!^^) has (si pluriel...) been the event the most seen (un superlatif est considéré comme un adjectif, donc par rapport au nom, il se place toujours...???) in the media. You can guess repercussions on THE debate concerning bearing of weapons ("tu veux dire le port d'arme c'est çà? Ici "porter" = "to carry"). Therefore, I want to know what happened really on Thursday, 20 (comment écrit-on les chiffres lorsqu'il s'agit d'une date?) April. In fact, versions are so much different. I beg your pardon if I am too direct because this tragedy was dreadful.
You request is very painful. In fact, my purpose is to forget this day with this blood, these deaths, cries…but I can try…
I
Fortunately, a miracle is gone; he smacked just my face. Nevertheless, he did two steps to kill cold-bloodedLY (car ici c'est un abverbe) a young girl WHO WAS hidDEN (utilisation du passif) over the table. He was a barbarous, a crazy (on ne peut utiliser un adjectif comme nom, on sera obligé de rajouter man: "a barbarous and crazy man", there is
La seconde partie va arriver!!^^
Réponse: Survivors/correction de titomm, postée le 28-11-2009 à 23:41:07 (S | E)
en rouge = fautes de conjugaison
en vert = faute d'orthographe
en blue = fautes de grammaire
en rose = "mal dit"
Massacre carried on (préfére le prétérit progressif, vu qu'ils sont toujours en train de continuer!!^^), murderers eliminate (on est au passé!) one by one his mates. Crops (hein??^^) laid on the ground, blood covered fitted carpet, all pupils didn’t dare perspire, they were afraid to attract attention of killer. I didn’t control anything neither my feelings nor my crops (???). Contrary to all expectations, they committed suicide. It was a relief. Next (Then) you know the end.
What are your conclusions of this dramA? How do you see the world now?
This killing destructs my life, now I must build my new future. This day winds me up, innocent people were killed because of two needy persons who are irresponsible. They consider death like a game, in reality their lifeS is a game. The worst
As well, this event shows us failure of our society. Columbine tragedy must make us aware of the situation: fear
Today, I am really pessimistic. In fact, weapons represent a mine of gold. Big companies realize hugE profits notably with sale of bullets. An American comic actor said the solution to reduce gun related killings number: will have to every bullet cost 5000 dollars (il me manque un verbe: "will have to....!). It’s so right!!! Moreover, some persons exasperate myself (Les anglais beaucoup plus souvent le passif que nous. Ici il vaudra mieux dire "je suis exaspéré par certaines personnes") because they defend to the best of their knowledge and belief the bearing of weapon (ce sera "weapn carrying). Please, none country must follow USA’s example. “We are a nation or gun nuts or just nuts” Michael Moore’s opinion is clear: with or without guns American people are nuts. He means that weapons are not responsible for the situation American people are. The world in which we live is fighting and it isn’t ready to change.
Voilà j'espère t'avoir un peu aider...
See ya.. Titomm...
Réponse: Survivors/correction de peyton483, postée le 29-11-2009 à 22:11:48 (S | E)
Merci énormément Titomm !!
C'est incroyable le nombre de fautes que l'on fait sans s'en rendre compte... On a l'air vraiment bête
"the killing" means "la tuerie" pour info et "the laughing stock of his mates" means "la tête de turque de ses camarades"
Pour "used to+bv" mon professeur (ainsi que le dico!) m'a dit que c'était tout autant correct "used to+ ing" (même si, oui ça peut surprendre...).
Voici la version sans
faute ... As you know The killing of Columbine high school has been the most seen event in the media. You can guess repercussions on the debate concerning bearing of weapons. Therefore, I want to know what happened really on Thursday, 20th April. In fact, versions are so much different. I beg your pardon if I am too direct because this tragedy was dreadful.
Your request is very painful. In fact, my purpose is to forget this day with this blood, these deaths, cries… but I can try…
I am ready. Every morning I was used to reading in the library between two classes. But, this day was special. Indeed, two teenagers arrived with two big fire arms, at this time our life was tipping over. They shot in all directions without worrying of the consequences: they have killed 12 pupils and one teenager. Then… one of the boys with a gun came up to me and pointed it at my forehead. He was jubilant, he was the boss and he didn’t undergo neither order, nor mockeries : he was the laughing stock of his mates. I cried, I cried… I was frightened to death, it was horrible! I don’t know how to explain my feelings: there was a big black hole in my head. I was not able to react.
Fortunately, a miracle happened ; he just smacked my face. Nevertheless, he did two steps to kill cold-bloodly a young girl who was hidden over the table. He was a barbarous and a crazy man, there is no term to describe what I felt. I’m still wondering why do we continue to use the word “man”… [je voulais dire : pq continue-t-on à utiliser le mot hommme...]
Massacre was carrying on, murderers eliminated their mates one by one. Corpses laid on the ground, blood covered fitted carpet, pupils didn’t dare perspire, they were afraid they would attract attention of killer. I didn’t control anything neither my feelings nor my body. Contrary to all expectations, they committed suicide. It was a relief. Next you know the end.
What are your conclusions of this dram? How do you see the world now?
This killing has destructed my life, now I must build my new future. This day winds me up, innocent people were killed because of two fucking persons who were irresponsible. They considered death like a game, but actually their life was just a game... The worst is politicians’ attitude: they are absent. A few of them take a stand against proliferation of guns. They have also blood on their hands.
As well, this event shows us failure of our society. Columbine tragedy must make us aware of the situation: fear is destroying us. We think that carrying a gun protects ourselves but we make a mistake. We shouldn’t be stubborn but confess our fault: weapons are responsible for the death of several millions persons.
Today, I am really pessimistic. In fact, weapons represent a mine of gold. Big companies realize huge profits particularly with sale of bullets. An American comic actor found the solution to reduce gun related killings number: every bullet should cost 5000 dollars. It’s so right!!!
Moreover, some people make me exasperated because they defend, to the best of their knowledge and belief, weapon carrying. Please, none country must follow the USA’s example. “We are a nation or gun nuts or just nuts” Michael Moore’s opinion is clear: with or without guns American people are nuts. He means that weapons are not responsible for the situation, American people are. The world in which we live is fighting and it isn’t ready to change.
If you had to sum up in a word what occurred on the twentieth April, what would you say?
What a waste!!
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Modifié par peyton483 le 29-11-2009 22:12
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Modifié par peyton483 le 29-11-2009 22:12
Réponse: Survivors/correction de titomm, postée le 05-12-2009 à 21:39:38 (S | E)
Hello,
Désolé si je ne te réponds que maintenant (pas très souvent le net)... Ma foi j'espère qu'il n'est pas trop tard.
Sinon voilà les erreurs que j'ai pu encore voir, et dont certaines sont nouvelles car je ne les avais pas vu à la première lecture (je suis pas bilingue je te le rappelle!!!).... Enjoy..
As you know The killing of Columbine high school has been the most seen event in the media. You can guess repercussions on the debate concerning bearing of weapons ("weapon carrying" = le port d'arme, si c'est bien ce que tu veux dire!?!hihi). Therefore, I want to know ("I would like to know" plutôt?? A voir.) what happened really (l'adverbe se place toujours avant le verbe, sauf pour les auxiliaires et modaux) on Thursday, 20th April. [...]
I am ready. Every morning I
Fortunately, a miracle happened ; he just smacked (avec "just", c'est le prsent perfect ou le pluperfect que l'on met: jamais le prétérit. A toi de voir si "il a giflé" [present perfect], ou si "il avait giflé" [pluperfect]) my face. Nevertheless, he did two steps to kill cold-bloodly a young girl who was hidden over the table. He was a barbarous and a crazy man, there is no term to describe what I felt. I’m still wondering why do we continue (on inverse quand c'est une question directe. Ici c'est une question indirecte: on peut dire il se demande "pourquoi nous continuons ---> pas d'inversion!^^) to use the word “man”…
Massacre was carrying on, murderers eliminated their mates one by one. Corpses laid on the ground, blood covered fitted carpet (plutôt prétérit progressif je pense. Pour "didn't dare", je ne suis pas sûr! dsl..), pupils didn’t dare perspire, they were afraid they would OF attractING attention of THE killer. I didn’t control anything, neither my feelings nor my body. Contrary to all expectations, they committed suicide. It was a relief. Next you know the end.
What are your conclusions of this dramA? How do you see the world now?
This killing has destructed my life, now I must build my new future. This day winds (prétérit) me up, innocent people were killed because of two fucking (attention, ce terme reste vulgaire!!! a toi de voir si tu veux le conserver.) persons who were irresponsible. They considered death like a game, but actually their lifes was WERE just a game... The worst is politicians’ attitude: they are absent. A few of them take a stand against proliferation of guns. They have also blood on their hands.
[...]
Moreover, some people make me exasperated (j'aurai tourné cela comme "some people exasperate me) because they defend, to the best of their knowledge and belief, weapon carrying. Please, none country must follow the USA’s example. “We are a nation or gun nuts or just nuts” Michael Moore’s opinion is clear: with or without guns American people are nuts. He means that weapons are not responsible for the situation, American people are. The world in which we live is fighting and it isn’t ready to change.
SEE YOU... Titomm...
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