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Correction redaction sur la popularite
Message de luty posté le 20-09-2009 à 23:54:11
Bonsoir tout le monde!!
J'ai besoin de vos talents en anglais pour que vous m'aidiez à corriger ma rédaction. En effet j'ai beaucoup de difficultés en grammaire et sur les temps et j'aimerais que vous m'aidiez.
Voici ma rédaction
Does popularity depend on what you have?
What means the word « popular »? Be liked or admired by many people or by a particular group. So, does popularity depend on what you have? This is the question which we try to answer. That way, we’ll see if the popularity depends on what you have or what we are?
When we say popular, we often think about a person rich, on account of he possesses, as state-of-the-art-computer games, clothes… so he is popular. Indeed, the cash is often accountable of the popularity since he is we allow to be well-know and to make friends more quickly. Moreover, we can choose ours friends because some people associate out of self –interest. For example, Paris Hilton is famous because her father is very wealthy and she knew to take advantage of this condition for to introduce herself. Likewise for Angelina Jolie, she is a famous actress however she became known thanks to her foreign aid.
Consequently, the popularity doesn’t depend on always what you have materially, on the contrary, what you have inside as ours qualities.
To conclude, the popularity comes from different way at each other, some people became popular for what they have whereas other for their characters, their qualities. So someone who doesn’t possess anything can become as popular as the one who possesses all.
N'hesitez pas à me faire part de vos remarques ou à changer des phrases si celle ci sont mal formulées etc. Pourriez vous dire si ma redaction repond à la question posée?
Votre aide me sera très reconnaissante.
merci a tous
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Modifié par bridg le 04-11-2009 17:47
Message de luty posté le 20-09-2009 à 23:54:11
Bonsoir tout le monde!!
J'ai besoin de vos talents en anglais pour que vous m'aidiez à corriger ma rédaction. En effet j'ai beaucoup de difficultés en grammaire et sur les temps et j'aimerais que vous m'aidiez.
Voici ma rédaction
Does popularity depend on what you have?
What means the word « popular »? Be liked or admired by many people or by a particular group. So, does popularity depend on what you have? This is the question which we try to answer. That way, we’ll see if the popularity depends on what you have or what we are?
When we say popular, we often think about a person rich, on account of he possesses, as state-of-the-art-computer games, clothes… so he is popular. Indeed, the cash is often accountable of the popularity since he is we allow to be well-know and to make friends more quickly. Moreover, we can choose ours friends because some people associate out of self –interest. For example, Paris Hilton is famous because her father is very wealthy and she knew to take advantage of this condition for to introduce herself. Likewise for Angelina Jolie, she is a famous actress however she became known thanks to her foreign aid.
Consequently, the popularity doesn’t depend on always what you have materially, on the contrary, what you have inside as ours qualities.
To conclude, the popularity comes from different way at each other, some people became popular for what they have whereas other for their characters, their qualities. So someone who doesn’t possess anything can become as popular as the one who possesses all.
N'hesitez pas à me faire part de vos remarques ou à changer des phrases si celle ci sont mal formulées etc. Pourriez vous dire si ma redaction repond à la question posée?
Votre aide me sera très reconnaissante.
merci a tous
-------------------
Modifié par bridg le 04-11-2009 17:47
Réponse: Correction redaction sur la popularite de brettdallen, postée le 21-09-2009 à 00:31:52
Bonsoir,
Je ne sais pas si mon aide vous sera très reconnaissante
, mais je vais essayer de faire un peu de ménage.Does popularity depend on what you have?
What means the word « popular »(question: auxiliaire -sujet-verbe)? Be liked or admired by many people or by a particular group. So, does popularity depend on what you have? This is the question which we(will) try to answer. That way(quelle lien logique?), we’ll see if
When we say(someone is) popular, we often think about a person rich(ordre), on account of(what) he/she possesses("owns"),(such) as state-of-the-art-computer games, clothes(d'autres exemples, peut-être? car là, nous nous situons à échelle adolescente)…
(son engagement pour des projets humanitaires?) .Consequently,
(Quelle démonstration!)
To conclude,
, some people became popular for what they have whereas other(s) for their characters, their qualities. So someone who doesn’t possess anything can become as popular as the one who possesses all(choisissez un autre mot).Je n'ai pas tout corrigé, mais je dirai 2 choses:
-L'anglais n'est pas si mauvais que ça(cela dépend du niveau que l'on attend de vous, évidemment)
-Vous avez une ligne toute simple(popularité = argent, MAIS pas seulement!!) et vous tournez autour sans creuser ni élargir ni argumenter. C'est là qu'il y a beaucoup à faire. Mais vous êtes motivé, cela se sent, donc vous progresserez. Lentement, car le raisonnement ne s'acquiert pas en quelques mois! et je ne suis pas donneur de leçon dans ce domaine!
Bon travail!
Réponse: Correction redaction sur la popularite de luty, postée le 21-09-2009 à 16:15:52
Bonjour,
Je vous remercie de l'aide que vous m'avez apporté. je viens de passer en terminale et je pense que mon anglais ne convient pas pour ce niveau mais je fais du mieux que je peux. En effet, vous avez bien raison il faut que j'argumente mais je dois ecrire une redaction de 150mots donc mon choix se restreint.
je vous remercie de vos encouragements et j'espere progresser comme vous le dites.
Voici ma nouvelle redaction corriger mais sans changements réels niveau argumentation :-(
What does the word « popular »mean? Be liked or admired by many people or by a particular group. So, does popularity depend on what you have? This is the question which we will try to answer. In This way, we’ll see if popularity depends on what you have or what you are?
When someone is popular, you often think about a rich person, on account of what he owns, such as state-of-the-art-computer games, clothes... Indeed, the money is often accountable of one’s popularity since it allows to be well-known and to make friends more quickly. Moreover, when you are well off you can choose our friends because some people consort with out of self –interest. For example, Paris Hilton is famous because her father was very wealthy and she knew to take advantage of this condition to become famous. Likewise for Angelina Jolie, she is a famous actress however she became known thanks to her relief work.
Consequently, popularity always doesn’t depend on what you have materially, on the contrary, it depends on what you have on your inner side as yours qualities.
To conclude, popularity comes from different ways at each other, some people became popular for what they have whereas other for their characters, their qualities. So someone who doesn’t possess anything can become as popular as the one who possesses all.
Merci encore et a bientot je l'espere.
