Correction/ expression écrite
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Message de luludeilhes posté le 02-12-2018 à 20:01:04 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai une expression écrite en anglais à faire pour mardi.
Voici ma rédaction, j'ai besoin que quelqu'un me corrige s'il vous plait :
The detective with the glasses regarded me now with a look of forced patience.
"Son, you know why we're here."
I closed my eyes and I remembered everything. Yet I lied. I do not know why I did this but, at the time, it seemed to me that it was better for me. So slowly I lifted my head, and I fixed them in my turn.
"No." I say curtly.
"Ok, you seem to have short memory." Say the other policeman, a smaller. "So I'll summarize the situation. Are you Matthew Fernandez?"
"Yep."
"Until then, we agree. So it's simple, you're charged with murder."
"No, I don't think so. You're wrong."
I was burning deep inside. Why were they there? I didn't ask for anything, I'm just trying to forget.
"Olivia Davies, do you know?"
Of course I knew him. She was the smartest girl in the class. She committed suicide last week. Since the whole school was shaken, I was even forced to see a psychologist this morning.
"Son, do you know Olivia Davis?" The cop with glasses repeated.
"Yes." I shout out hardly. "This is the girl who threw herself out the window."
"Thanks, we know that." The smallest picked up again. "But, do you know why she committed suicide?"
I closed my eyes again. Rumors were circulating in high school. And then, there was what I had done. No, it couldn't have been because of that. Still I remembered his cries, his tears, his calls for help.
"Can you hear me? It's your fault!" He continued.
I wasn't answering. No, it wasn't my fault. I wanted them to leave, to keep quiet and leave me alone.
"Hello? I'm talking to you! Are you listening to me? Yes, it's your fault, she committed suicide because of you, what you did to her."
I growled. No, no, no, it's not my fault. I didn't want to do that to her. A sudden sound came out of my gut:
"Stop! Leave me alone. It wasn't me, I didn't want to do this to her. "
Now they were smiling. It irritated me even more.
"I was drunk, I didn't want to tell you! "
"You know what's going to happen to you, you know you shouldn't have." The one with glasses says calmly.
From now on, I cried:
"I didn't want to. " I repeated. "No, I didn't want to rape her, not my Oli."
I then took my head in my hands. I wanted to forget everything, go back in time. I didn't want to. Come back, my Oli, please...
Merci pour votre aide !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 02-12-2018 21:09
Message de luludeilhes posté le 02-12-2018 à 20:01:04 (S | E | F)
Bonjour,
j'ai une expression écrite en anglais à faire pour mardi.
Voici ma rédaction, j'ai besoin que quelqu'un me corrige s'il vous plait :
The detective with the glasses regarded me now with a look of forced patience.
"Son, you know why we're here."
I closed my eyes and I remembered everything. Yet I lied. I do not know why I did this but, at the time, it seemed to me that it was better for me. So slowly I lifted my head, and I fixed them in my turn.
"No." I say curtly.
"Ok, you seem to have short memory." Say the other policeman, a smaller. "So I'll summarize the situation. Are you Matthew Fernandez?"
"Yep."
"Until then, we agree. So it's simple, you're charged with murder."
"No, I don't think so. You're wrong."
I was burning deep inside. Why were they there? I didn't ask for anything, I'm just trying to forget.
"Olivia Davies, do you know?"
Of course I knew him. She was the smartest girl in the class. She committed suicide last week. Since the whole school was shaken, I was even forced to see a psychologist this morning.
"Son, do you know Olivia Davis?" The cop with glasses repeated.
"Yes." I shout out hardly. "This is the girl who threw herself out the window."
"Thanks, we know that." The smallest picked up again. "But, do you know why she committed suicide?"
I closed my eyes again. Rumors were circulating in high school. And then, there was what I had done. No, it couldn't have been because of that. Still I remembered his cries, his tears, his calls for help.
"Can you hear me? It's your fault!" He continued.
I wasn't answering. No, it wasn't my fault. I wanted them to leave, to keep quiet and leave me alone.
"Hello? I'm talking to you! Are you listening to me? Yes, it's your fault, she committed suicide because of you, what you did to her."
I growled. No, no, no, it's not my fault. I didn't want to do that to her. A sudden sound came out of my gut:
"Stop! Leave me alone. It wasn't me, I didn't want to do this to her. "
Now they were smiling. It irritated me even more.
"I was drunk, I didn't want to tell you! "
"You know what's going to happen to you, you know you shouldn't have." The one with glasses says calmly.
From now on, I cried:
"I didn't want to. " I repeated. "No, I didn't want to rape her, not my Oli."
I then took my head in my hands. I wanted to forget everything, go back in time. I didn't want to. Come back, my Oli, please...
Merci pour votre aide !
-------------------
Modifié par lucile83 le 02-12-2018 21:09
Réponse : Correction/ expression écrite de vaiana, postée le 02-12-2018 à 20:28:44 (S | E)
Hello! I don't have a lot of time...here's the beginning of a first correction! Please wait for another one since I'm not bilingual!
The detective with the glasses regarded (you'd better use another verb... to look at, to stare at...) me now with a look of forced patience.
"Son, you know why we're here."
I closed my eyes and I remembered everything. Yet I lied. I do not know why I did this but, at the time, it seemed to me that it was better for me. So slowly I lifted my head, and I fixed them in my turn.
"No." I say (tense) curtly.
"Ok, you seem to have [article] short memory." Say (wrong tense) the other policeman, a smaller. "So I'll summarize the situation. Are you Matthew Fernandez?"
"Yep."
"Until then, we agree. So it's simple, you're charged with murder."
"No, I don't think so. You're wrong."
I was burning deep inside. Why were they here ('there' implies a notion of distance)? I didn't ask for anything, I'm (tense) just trying to forget.
"Olivia Davies, do you know [pronoun]?"
Of course I knew him (she is a girl). She was the smartest girl in the class. She committed suicide last week. Since the whole school was shaken, I was even forced to see a psychologist this morning.
"Son, do you know Olivia Davis?" The cop with glasses repeated.
"Yes." I shout (tense) out hardly. "This is the girl who threw herself out the window."
"Thanks, we know that." The smallest picked up again. "But, do you know why she committed suicide?"
[...]
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